Sleuth looks at the new set of guidelines issued for the city's most picturesque and historic neighbourhood

Earlier this year, Sleuth learnt that the council were to issue a series of 'Codes of Conduct' for certain areas of the city, to ensure consistency of approach by the city’s residents, workers and visitors.

Following widespread acceptance of the new guidelines for Market StreetFirst StreetNorthern Quarter and Spinningfields, the council have now turned to the city centre's most picturesque and historic neighbourhood, Castlefield.

1. Do not step within ten metres of a Canada goose during Spring, it will think you are trying to steal it's hatchlings and think nothing of snapping at your genitals.

2. As a resident, always be positive and say that you moved to Castlefield for the tranquility and that you really don't mind being surrounded by all the tower cranes, construction sites and concrete dust.

3. Keep most of the beggars away from Castlefield by taking money and spice up to Piccadilly Gardens.

4. Pretend that the small tented beggar presence in the Roman Gardens and on Pioneer Quay is a tourism experiment in allowing city centre campsites.

Geese Castlefield
Beware the Canada Geese - they hate you.

5. Try not to snigger when learning that the Man in Manchester used to be Mam, which was part of the Latin word for breasts, as the first settlement established in 78AD in Castlefield was located on a hill - meaning the Romans knew what is now Manchester as Tithill.

6. Never mention the demolition of the popular Coronation Street set at Old Granada Studios. If you have to say anything about it state that despite all evidence to the contrary, it had had its day and that the hundreds of thousands who would have visited it every year would not have contributed to the city economy at all.

7. When passing the Oxnoble always assume a pompous accent, affect an attitude, and say, “Well, of course, you know, it is the only pub in the UK named after a potato.”

180404 90S Nineties Coronation Street In Granada Studios 1990 By Graham Hogg For Sj8397 Taken 1990 08 15
Do not mention the demolition of the popular Coronation Street set - it really was a good idea

8. Do not attempt to get a seat outside Dukes92 when the sun is out, every heavily tattooed roid-head in Greater Manchester with a penchant for Stella and tight t-shirts has already got there first.

9. Do not ask how Barca bar keeps going despite having no customers for ten months of the year. It is all legit, alright?

10. Make sure to time your remarks. For instance, look around carefully on a Saturday evening before saying, “The good thing about Castlefield is that it is much quieter than other areas of town,” just in case a shrieking hen party comes staggering round the corner and whacks you over the head with an inflatable cock.

11. Do encourage the hen and stag parties to swim in the beautiful clean waters of the canals. Offer them lead weights to assist in their efforts.

Barca Castlefield
Do not ask how Barca bar keeps going despite having no customers for ten months of the year

12. Do not say out loud "They built that fuck off massive Ordsall Chord bridge promising thousands of jobs and a huge economic contribution and only about two trains a day use it.” It's a sore subject.

13. Do buy an apartment next to the Outdoor Arena and then complain about the occasional amplified music and thousands of people that show up in the summer. State how you’re surprised there’s so much activity taking place and this wasn’t the reason you moved to the city centre at all.

14. Never laugh at how the Outdoor Arena is now called the Manchester Bowl, as if it were the Hollywood Bowl.

Castlefield Bowl 564
Castlefield Bowl is exactly like the Hollywood Bowl, but not.

15. Do treat yourself to fish and chips at the Fish Hut chippy and then eat them at the neighbouring Cask bar with a pint to wash them down. It is allowed and is a wonderful catering symbiosis.

16. Do not be surprised to see a bloke dressed as Super Mario playing Nintendo songs on the keyboard in the White Lion - it's perfectly normal and not weird at all.

17. Do not ever try take on Rose, the landlady of the White Lion, when pissed. She will win every time.

18. Do wonder aloud how Peel Group, with £6.6 billion of assets, can’t afford some pots of white paint to give Merchant’s Bridge a brush-up.

19. Convince yourself that the whimsical plans for 'hanging gardens' on the disused Castlefield viaduct will go ahead, despite the lack of thirty million quid.

20. Pretend Deansgate Locks is on another planet. Because it is. A mad one.

21. If you miss out on tickets for a gig in the Bowl, it is perfectly acceptable to buy a dingy from Argos, load it up with beers, put on your captain's hat and paddle your way in anyway. 

Dingy Castlefield

Don't forget to read the Codes of Conduct for Market StreetFirst StreetNorthern Quarter and Spinningfields.