Sleuth takes a look at the new set of rules issued for the city's financial centre
SLEUTH recently learnt that the council are to issue a series of 'Codes of Conduct' for certain areas of the city, to ensure consistency of approach by the city’s residents, workers and visitors.
Following widespread approval of the new rules for the Market Street, First Street and Northern Quarter, the council have now turned to the city's business and financial centre, Spinningfields.
1. Never mention 'Lawns' - they were silly green things that got in the way of construction.
2. You must like cocktails, or rather you must simply adore waiting for cocktails as your sad life drips away and the mixologists turn to adore themselves and their manifest skills in the back bar mirror.
3. Allow time when crossing through Hardman Square to navigate your way around four miles of construction hoardings.
4. Do not ask about that weird garden thing with the abandoned shed beneath Leftbank apartments - it was definitely a good use of money and not at all just an elaborate green blockage in an otherwise perfectly functional pathway.
5. All beggars will be shot.
6. As will cyclists, unless they are very quick and evade security guards.
7. Hen/Stag parties will also be shot, unless they have lots of money.
8. Having lots of money and ‘splashing it about’ is definitely encouraged.
9. Advice to London-based food and drink operators: if you've got the cash, they've got a space.
10. Do not, under any circumstance, order food from The Refinery.
11. Do not, under any circumstance, enter the Slug and Lettuce, unless on a works Christmas do. Even then kick up a fuss.
12. Do marvel how Gourmet Burger King is still going despite having had 3 customers in the past four years.
13. Never ask why a restaurant on the 19th storey calls itself 20 Stories - it is definitely not trying to pull the wool over your eyes and no it does not represent a lack of confidence.
14. When in 20 Stories do spend half an hour taking photos of the view for Instagram, but don't forget to discuss Love Island with your Tinder date.
15. Agree that it is entirely logical for Manchester House’s bar to be eight storeys above its restaurant.
16. Agree that it is entirely normal for Neighbourhood to check you for weapons on entry.
17. Never try to start up a conversation in Australasia restaurant and bar after 9pm, the spaceship music console takes priority.
18. Know that Oast House's outdoor drinking terrace is the only such feature that can be seen from the moon.
19. Know that despite the size of the Oast House terrace, when the sun is out you will have to sit on someone's lap.
20. Never mistake the tree in Tattu for firewood.
21. When in Tattu, never ask what time Gregg's opens over the road.
22. Do not ask why on any given lunchtime there are 500 people queuing out the door of Greggs. Nobody knows for sure but it is a wonder of the modern age.
23. When asked for directions to the Crown Court, do feel free to send people the wrong way. It is funny and they probably deserve it.
24. Do take your pointless little city centre dog for a walk around the area, nobody has ever seen a pug as cute as yours before.
25. Remember: most of Manchester’s Premier League footballers and drug dealers shop in Flannels, so hang out there if you want an autograph or some liveners (but don't look anyone in the eye for too long).
26. Never engage with the strange autograph hunters who hang around the back door of the Opera House, they might mistake you for Joe Pasquale and try to have sex with you.
27. You must never go in John Rylands Library despite having worked in Spinningfields for five years and it containing one of the greatest collections of literature on the planet. It’s not your fault after all. You’ve never had time, certainly not between work and waiting for a cocktail in The Alchemist, as your sad life drips away and the mixologists turn to adore themselves and their manifest skills in the back bar mirror.
