Sleuth takes a look at the city council's new set of rules for Manchester's indie heartland
Sleuth has learnt that the council are to issue a series of 'Codes of Conduct' for certain areas of the city, to ensure consistency of approach by the city’s residents, workers and visitors.
Following widespread approval of the new rules for the Market Street and First Street areas, the council have now turned to the city's creative and independent heartland, the Northern Quarter.
1. If you stand on an empty plot of land and extend your drinking hand a bar will form around you.
2. Enter any remaining operating retail units, wait around for a bit, and it will soon become a chi-chi coffee shop.
3. If you have lived or worked in the Northern Quarter for a long time you must stand outside Bluu Bar on High Street and sigh, saying: "I know you shouldn’t call them chavs, but these people really are ruining the character of the Northern Quarter."
4. Always complain about the prices at Mackie Mayor and then go there every night.
5. Always complain about beer served in schooners and then drink them anyway.
6. Make sure to be ever so discerning about your food, drink and entertainment, but once a month sneak into the Millstone for karaoke and a piss-up.
7. All bikes must be 'fixie' bikes, ideally of a pastel shade with a wicker basket carrying a stupid little dog.
8. Do not attempt to pawn your old Casio keyboard in Dusk 'til Pawn, you will leave pissed and poorer.
9. Never establish eye contact with the smokers outside Wave bar and under no circumstance engage.
10. Tell all visitors to the city that one thing you really love about the Northern Quarter is all the record shops even though you've never owned a record player.
11. Any piece of vintage sportswear must cost more than was paid by its previous seven owners combined.
12. No trouser leg is allowed to be closer than six inches to the ground.
13. Piercings are encouraged in unorthodox places, such as your eyelids or spine.
14. When looking to impress out-of-towners you must always tell them that the establishment you're currently in used to be a favourite of the band Elbow - even though you've never liked their music and wouldn't recognise one from Adam.
15. You must seek to distance yourself from the beard and tattoos movement, even though in 2016 you thought it made you look interesting and hard.
16. You must fiercely object to the removal of the 'Big Horn' on Church Street even though you think it's ugly and crap.
17. No matter how many times you have been to Affleck's Palace, you must always get lost and come out the wrong exit.
18. Complain about property speculation ruining the character of the area, before returning to your new build flat in Ancoats built by the Abu Dhabi United Group on the site of an old Georgian-era Irish pub.
19. You must resist the urge to stare into the carrier bag of anyone leaving one of the few remaining sex shops.
20. You must never allow anyone you don't hate to stay in Sacha's hotel.
