Category: Pubs with food. Score 10.5/20 (Full breakdown below and score explained. Venues are compared with similar venues and measured against the best examples in their category.)
I MISINTERPRETED the name Swan with Two Nicks as a command. So I went with two friends called Nick.
To separate them in your mind dear reader I'll call the first one Nick and the second one Nick. That should make it easier.
It shouldn't be too difficult to make these dishes feel fresh and loved. For God's sake how hard can it be to cook chips?
"Why are we going to this pub-with-food type place?" said Nick.
"It's on the route of one of the classic south Manchester walks. Bridgewater Canal tow-path from Altrincham, the ineffable, delightful, lanquid beauty of Dunham Massey deer park, mud, and then pub grub," I explained. "Or you can ditch the walk and just drive there. Or park at Dunham and scoot down."
Swan with Two Nicks
The Swan with Two Nicks is about as well-known as pubs get in this neck of the woods. It's a perfect pensioner or toddler stroll from Dunham Massey Hall and garden. Far enough away to justify the expression 'going for a walk' and close enough to crawl back should you decide to sink all the pub's whisky range.
Because of this fortunate coincidence of geography it's done what all country pubs have done and sought lebensraum.
Over the last few decades any associated buildings nearby have been tacked on and colonised, dining halls added, outdoor decking areas assembled, car parks and courtyards marshalled. Country pub imperialism is happening all over the country which is a good thing as the alternative is pubs becoming boarded up.
The expansion of the Swan with Two Nicks disguises the pretty brick original building. Go through the front door here and you sigh. It's lovely. Tidsy spaces made pleasant with real fires, newspapers, soft seating and people scattered among the dogs.
"Lots of dogs," said Nick starting to count.
"It's like one of those 70s prints of dogs having a pint and playing pool," said Nick.
The games room at the Swan with Two Nicks was always busy with The Dogs In Pubs Rights audience
They were right.
This is a 'dog-friendly' pub which gives The Swan with Two Nicks an expanded audience of nice middling people who purchase guide books by the dozen detailing 'pug-friendly pubs in GB' and then drive half across the nation to use them - as though they and their pets are an oppressed minority making a point about canine rights. Let's hear it for the poodles pushed into the cold, the Yorkie left in the yard.
Here's a website so you can find your local pooch loving environment.
The Nicks and I sat in one of the colonised dining spaces and picked up the menu. A lady who shall henceforth be named the Sergeant Major asked us whether we were ready to order.
It was two thirty in the afternoon and maybe she was in a rush but even the speediest decision makers need more than forty seconds. We ordered drinks, Moorhouse ales all round, White Witch I believe, very good.
The menu goes on a bitWe turned to look back at the menu which is a slightly longer document than the Old Testament supplemented by blackboards featuring other items. Lots of them. Within a minute Sergeant Major was back asking if we were ready to order. This happened three times in an emptyish room. The woman was clearly in a rush which was odd as food was served all day.
I had the plaice with a herb oil (£13.95), Nick had 'The Swan with Two Nicks Famous Cheese And Onion Pie' ( lots of mature cheddar apparently for £9.95). Nick, who wasn't hungry, just had a starter of whitebait (£5.95).
Pie of yellowness
None of the food need detain us long.
It was never better than average but then with so many choices on the menu focus was bound to be blurred. My plaice was overdone, claggy, the herb oil thing was hopelessly ill-matched to the fish. It was too Mediterranean for a traditional pub, too like a pesto and was simply unpleasant and domineering.
"My cheese and onion pie smells of dog," said Nick, sniffing at it, and looking like a sad Bloodhound.
"I think that's auto-suggestion because you've just seen the front rooms of the pub," I said.
"Maybe there's a species of dog called the Chedder Setter or something?" said Nick.
"Maybe this is 'famous' as it says on the menu, because it's such a beige/yellow dish. It's the most beige/yellow dish in the world."
He paused.
"It fills you up is the best that can be said," said Nick, saying it.
The whitebait were miserable dead things, deader than need be. The chips were flabby, the veg as colourless as the rest.
We cheered up with a gorgeous Dunham Massey ice cream (three scoops for £4.95), the honeycomb was a real joy. Forget the rest of the tired grub and go straight to the ices.
Fabulous ice cream
We didn't stay longer than it took to knock the beers back and bugger off.
"That's what lets us down," said Nick. "Over the last decade or so UK food has leapt in quality. But then you come to a pub with a huge captive audience and the food is stuck in some transport cafe mentality of 1956 except they've given the dishes posher descriptions. It shouldn't be too difficult to make these dishes feel fresh and loved. For God's sake how hard can it be to cook chips? How hard can it be for the Sergeant Major to smile?"
And that was that. (It should be noted that the other staff were fine.)
As we wandered through Dunham Massey park we eyed the fallow deer hungrily.
"This is a deer-friendly park," said Nick.
"Yes, people bring their deer from miles around to feed them up," said Nick.
Deer friendly Dunham
"By the way, turns out the name Swan with Two Nicks doesn't refer to the name Nicholas at all," I said
"Really," said Nick feigning interest.
"It refers to some medieval practice of marking swans to prove ownership," I said. "I researched that on their website via smart phone two minutes ago."
You can follow Jonathan Schofield on Twitter @JonathSchofield or connect via Google+
ALL SCORED CONFIDENTIAL REVIEWS ARE IMPARTIAL AND PAID FOR BY THE MAGAZINE.
The Swan with Two Nicks, Park Lane, Little Bollington, Altrincham, Greater Manchester. 0161 928 2914.
Food: 4.5/10 (whitebait 3, plaice 6, cheese and onion pie 4, veg 4, chips 3, ice cream 7.5)
Service: 3/5 (but only because of the other staff not the Sergeant Major)
Ambience: 3/5
Inside the dining room
