Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. It's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. He's several people all at once. Sometimes Sleuth even gets serious @mcrsleuth
RESTAURANT BAN IN 2017
Manchester City Council has announced it will ban all new restaurant and bar openings in 2017 because according to a spokesman, "It's been frankly ridiculous. There have been so many openings this year councillors can't keep up. Some city centre councillors are drunk all the time just monitoring it. The licensing magistrates have turned into proper pissheads. The only new restaurants we'll allow to open are guaranteed Michelin star winners," he concluded with a sarcy laugh. Sleuth asked Gordo of Manchester Confidential for a reaction, "Help, we're fucked!" he exclaimed.
FOOD TO GET SCHOONER TREATMENT
The owner of Northern Bar, Brick 'n' Pipework, which opened seven seconds ago on Stevenson Square has spoken to Sleuth about his intention to ‘roll out’ the brand across all major global cities by Tuesday. “We also plan to replicate the success of our beer offer with our food,” said Kit Hibbert. “We couldn’t believe people were paying £5 for two thirds of a pint in a schooner just because two fellas in dungarees had brewed it in a skip behind Piccadilly, so we decided to replicate the offer with our gourmet burgers, which we’re going to serve without the top half of the bun, you know, like those Scandi open sarnies they’re all raving about it London... but with added kimchi."
SIR HOWARD BERNSTEIN TO BE HONOURED (PART ONE)
Sir Howard Bernstein’s remarkable contribution over two decades transforming Manchester is to be rewarded permanently. Two large black towers will be constructed which are designed to dominate all surrounding properties including Sir Howard’s office at Manchester Town Hall. The buildings, with a large feature staircase between them, will be constructed between Jackson’s Row, Bootle Street and Deansgate and will be called The Sir Howard Bernstein Memorial Towers. A spokesperson for the project called Gary Neville said: “Will this help get us planning permission?”
SIR HOWARD BERNSTEIN TO BE HONOURED (PART TWO)
Sleuth hears the Sir Ralph Abercrombie pub on Bootle Street is to be renamed the Sir Howard Bernstein until it is demolished to make way for the Sir Howard Bernstein Memorial Towers, see the above story. A spokesperson for the pub project called Gary Neville said: “Will this help get us planning permission?”
NORTH MANCHESTER DISCOVERED
“This happened yesterday,” said an excited man from West Didsbury, Benjamin Harrison, to Sleuth. “I’d had a heavy night at Wine & Wallop on Lapwing Lane and sunk two small glasses of a cheeky Tempranillo with a lovely Manchego cheese. This was way too much for me. So after changing trams at Cornbrook I fell asleep and went right through the city centre and out on the other side of Victoria Station. I couldn’t believe it, there was this place called North Manchester. There were houses, parks, even towns and a big park with a grand house and temple, called, er…Eton Park, I think. This had hills, like real proper hills. I might go back one day, soon, bit busy next year though, maybe 2018, yeah, or the year after. Might be a few more delis by then.”
ALTRINCHAM MARKET MASSIVE EXTENSION PLANNED
Sleuth learns that Altrincham Market is to expand. Nick Johnson, of operating company Market Operations said, “Yes, we’re going up in the world with a planned twenty story extension perched above the existing building. The success of the existing hall which draws in visitors from as far away as Rochdale, Stoke and Lapland simply can’t cope. In the extension each floor will be themed differently with a special fish hall on the twentieth floor which will be advertised as Britain’s highest fish market and should be too high for even the most adventurous flies.” Sleuth understands there will be very wide lifts for yummy mummies with Hummer-scale prams, and a cocktail bar floor called Cheshire Cougars on the Pull.
NEW MAYOR FOR GREATER MANCHESTER ANNOUNCED EARLY
The 2017 May election for an Elected Mayor has been cancelled. A spokesperson for the Electoral Commission said: “The June referendum has destroyed our faith in people. It’s been hard, people seem to make daft decisions these days because they’re angry and bitter or because they read the Daily Mail and are old. They don’t turn out to vote much for local elections either. It seems they’re just lazy, apathetic sods. So we’ve taken the decision away from them. We’ve picked one Greater Manchester citizen at random to do the job for a year and we’ll do that every year.”
Sleuth has been told the new Mayor will be Olivia Hamilton, aged 3 months, of Monton in Salford. “Obviously I’m honoured,” she said, “but disappointed at the reaction to my apparent ‘youth’. Just because I’m three months doesn’t mean I can’t do as good a job as so-called ‘older’ people. My priority will be more nappy recycling and pram lanes on major routes into the city centre.” Andy Burnham, Labour’s apparent shoe-in for the cancelled election, sobbed as he told Sleuth: “This is unfair, I messed up with my leadership challenge to Corbyn and now there's this blow. It’s cruel, especially since everyone comments on my big brown baby eyes and their fantastic eyelashes.”
COUNCIL FINALLY BANS PEOPLE FROM CITY CENTRE
Following from banning new restaurants in the first story on this page the council has agreed it's time to take things further. “Thing is, we’ve got three very visible issues facing the city: congestion, litter and homelessness,” said Susan Chappelton, the Executive Member for Environment, Sustainability and Traffic ‘n’ That. “Following 27 committee meetings and the formation of nine sub-committees, it was agreed that what Manchester really needs is for people to stop coming into the city altogether, thus there’ll be no traffic, no litter and nobody to give money to the homeless, so hopefully they’ll all fuck off as well.
“Problem is, although we’ve continued to hike parking fees, made all Metrolink ticket machines impossible to use, and ramped up roadworks until it is impossible to drive into the city from anywhere in the region in under three hours and thirty three minutes, people just keep coming," she continued. "Thus, the council has taken the decision to ban everyone, including ourselves, from coming into the city centre until we can get this under control. Of course, all council members will have to work from home but we don’t mind."
Sleuth will return next year...