Week 49: in which Gordo gets a Christmas ASBO
Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. It's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. He's several people all at once. Sometimes Sleuth even gets serious @mcrsleuth
Gino D’Campo's Christmas tinkle
Sleuth went to Next in the Arndale to buy some socks and found Gino D’Campo camped out in a new restaurant with nice views of the National Football Museum and of the menswear department. Gino was everywhere. Vanity knows no boundaries with this Neapolitan, it appears he has a photographer clamped to his side permanently in case some half-arsed semi-celeb should waddle past and offer a photo-op. He even had a photographer with him when he was born, which takes some foresight. Yes there on the restaurant walls is Gino as a naked bambino, thus making him the first chef to have a picture of himself with his cock out in a restaurant. Sleuth also liked the pic of Terry Wogan restraining Gino when our fine chef had spotted some ladies in lingerie. It didn’t work.
Gino's ghost
Sleuth is also curious at to why the Italian Stallion is being haunting by singer and Strictly Come Dancing star Louise Redknapp. "Perhaps they had a TV affair while she was married to Jamie," said Sleuth's dining companion, "and that's her phantasm playing on his conscious." "Talking about a fall-out over Celebrity Juice," said Sleuth, scooping Manchester Wit of the Week for the 49th time this year.
Smutty panto
Sleuth loves panto, the much-loved family-friendly Christmas tradition which encourages audience participation (oh no it doesn’t and so on). So he was surprised to see in the press that one mum has taken offence to this year's production at the Manchester Opera House. According to the mother, the panto contained 'far too much Dick' (difficult to avoid, Sleuth thinks, for a panto starring Dick Whittington). Sleuth hears at one point the audience were encouraged to chant 'Alice loves Dick'. The mother said in future she would like to see much less Dick. In which case, Sleuth recommends she avoids Gino's.
Sleuth and Fumo in Birmingham
Sleuth was in Birmingham this week and nipped into the San Carlo restaurant called Fumo. There were even more pictures of celebs on the walls, as with the daddy San Carlo restaurant in Manchester. Curiously though the celebs pictured were shown in the Manchester restaurant or coming out of it. Ronaldo, for example. Come on Birmingham haven’t you got any of your own celebs…such as…er…Jasper Carrott…and er…er…
Sleuth, Korean chicken and the mystery plastic glove
Sleuth went to try new Korean fried chicken gaff, Chimaek, on Hulme Street this week. Sleuth thought it a little like KFC, very like KFC actually, but with hints of Korea, like, er, rice and weird toy monkeys. The chicken was very KFC too, crunchy and juicy, except with more soy and a diddy pot of Danmuji (pickled radish). The fries were rubbish. So far, so ordinary. Though things did take a turn for the unexpected when one of the staff turned on a TV near Sleuth, switched it to a music channel showing only Korean girlbands and handed Sleuth a plastic glove. "You might need this," said the staff member, before turning their back on Sleuth.
"It's for the sticky chicken," said a nearby customer to a worried looking Sleuth.
Sleuth and the walkers
Sleuth saw twenty or so Londoners on King Street next to the Liam Gallagher shop Pretty Green. He asked them to ‘walk like Liam’ and thus twenty or so Londoners Gallagher swaggered towards Sleuth just like Liam. It’s odd what people will do when asked.
Manchester Christmas markets is the best in the UK, but also isn't...
Sleuth received an email from the council this week telling Sleuth how Manchester had been voted the best Christmas markets in the UK, and the thirteenth best in Europe. Thirteenth? Praise indeed. Weirdly, though, the day after Sleuth received another email, listing the UK's Top 10 Christmas markets. Edinburgh came out on top this time, followed by Bath, Birmingham, York, Bristol (...hold on), Nottingham, Liverpool, Cardiff (...er), Leeds and Exeter (...Exeter?). Manchester didn't even feature in the top ten. Conflicting reports then. Sleuth doesn't know which poll to believe? The one sent out by Manchester City Council, or the second sent out by the Manchester Christmas Markets Is Shit Council of Britain.
Gordo's Christmas ASBO
Speaking of the Christmas markets, Sleuth was eating mince pies in the new 1761 restaurant with Manchester council's Christmas spokesperson, Councillor Pat Karney, this week. Sleuth and Pat were talking about this article by Confidential publisher, Mark 'Gordo' Garner, listing ten reasons why he'll be avoiding the markets this year. Reasons include: 'beer which tastes like piss', grown men in Christmas jumpers and the 'prison grade sausages manufactured in Bavaria using all the bits the Germans won't eat'.
Pat, a pro politician, was being very diplomatic about the whole thing. "Look, like them or not, the markets are a great boost to city funds, it's money we can spend on children and old people," said Pat, "but tell Gordo he's banned, we've given him a market ASBO, if he's seen within ten metres I'll personally slap him with a Bratwurst."
"He'd probably like that," said Sleuth.
Sleuth and headline regret
Confidential published an article about orange wine for Christmas this week. A couple of days later Sleuth found the editor banging his head against his desk. "What's up?" asked Sleuth. "How didn't I spot it..." moaned the editor, "this headline...on Twitter... it's just so f**king good."
Sleuth knows what he feels like
Sleuth watched Manchester United v Manchester City over the weekend but didn’t throw any milk at anyone. Mind you he did have a few drinks. So did the chap in the Nag’s Head on Lloyd Street. ‘Fella bobbed in having lost his e-cig and mobile phone on Derby Day,’ the landlord told Sleuth. ‘He left with the e-cig he lost during the game, and the e-cig he lost two months ago. Mike, at the Abercrombie, had found his phone and he got that back as well. He was so gone he’d forgotten he’d gone into the Abercrombie at all.’ Sleuth’s had days like that.
Sleuth's Facebook wind-up of the week
This week Confidential posted a Facebook video of a gravy sandwich. Mark Whalley didn't like it. He liked this response even less...
