REVIEW | Filthy Cow

REMEMBER the classic Only Fools & Horse episode in which Delboy and Rodney arrive at a wake dressed as Batman and Robin. Sorry. Of course you do... 

Ms Gallimore - who can't be any older than 25 - scored extra points for audibly giving two older, hairy-arsed chefs a bollocking for slacking during the rush.

They arrive inappropriately bedecked; very, very late; and burst onto the scene spurting silly spray and going 'Na-na-na-na-na-na'.

Well, that's also how the city's latest and 473rd burger-house, Filthy Cow, arrived in Manchester.

Here are some snippets from the press release (written by a London-based PR firm, by the way, which is a fine idea should you be opening a small independent restaurant in the centre of Manchester):

'Any dedicated epicure will be aware that London overwhelmingly ‘milks’ the limelight as far as the hottest restaurant openings are concerned...' - Where've you been for the last eighteen months? Ah, yes, London...

'We don’t believe the North should continue to be overshadowed as a foodie destination...' - Again... where've you been?

'Filthy Cow will take the bull by the horns and change the face of dining in Manchester once and for all...' - Come on now...

'Indulge your wildest meat fantasies...' - Been there.

'Carnal burger desires...' - Done that.

This was January 2015.

Filthy Cow occupies the former-Lounge Ten site

Inside the beast

At this point we could turn the switch to 'snarling, snotty, uppity shitbag' (as I have demonstrated perfectly above); Patties? Filthy sauce? 'Sexy Bovines'? You're taking the piss ain't ya? Almost Famous have been spanking this one to death since 2012. Anyway, burgers? This is 2015; we're more into Baobab, freekeh grains and selling our kids' teeth to buy 1kg of Porterhouse, numpty.

Thing is, I just can't bring myself to review Filthy Cow in snotty shitbag mode. Here's why...

Firstly, the lovely young lady behind the three-week old venue, Jordan Gallimore, was a delight throughout: smiley, determined, thorough. Even during a busy Wednesday lunch rush (anyone who's prematurely sounded the death knell for the burger should pop into Filthy Cow this Friday lunchtime. You're wrong, very wrong) where we found twice as many diners as expected.

Ms Gallimore - who can't be any older than 25 - scored extra points for audibly giving two older, hairy-arsed chefs a bollocking for slacking during the rush. Chutzpah, this one.

Filthy cheese burger, sad fries and top onion

Halloumi sarnie

Secondly, the filthy (naturally) cheese burger (£6.5) was a burger was a burger; but a good one. Served in a paper wrapper the chubby little thing was gone before I'd penned a single note. This is good. This implies I enjoyed it, which I'm sure I did. I remember the meat being suitably pink and chuck'ish; the sauce, well... filthy; the cheese, melted; the gherkin and tomato hued and fresh; the brioche bun, as is usually the case, gave in halfway through.

The onion rings (£2.5) were a thing of deep fried beauty, greasier than a T-bird's flick-comb and better for it. The fries (£2.50) meanwhile were pale, limp and sad. These need some work.

While the editor's Filthy (of course) Halloumi Sarnie (£7) 'for a veggie option had real character. The halloumi came in a couple of fat slabs which made this meat-free excursion properly filling; the latter a quality all burgers by definition must possess. Add in the gherkin, lettuce, a rosemary rich sauce and this comes recommended.' Good then.

Beers come from Green Quarter's fantastic Runaway Brewery (from £4) and wines from the grape-bofs at Hanging Ditch wine merchants by the Cathedral (175ml, £4.5).

The FT? In a burger gaff? Well I never...

Ok, ok, the interior has stuck rigidly to the MCR New Opening Guidebook: Bricks, Piping, Bricks, Neons and Dark Stuff; and yes the chairs we sat on by the window, forged of wood, steel, fire and fury, were as comfortable as an old clog; and yes the whole 'sit-down-shut-up-and-stick-it-down-yer-fucking-neck you perv' shock marketing stuff has been hashed and re-hashed, but the gimp paraphenalia and debased ready-for-a-rodgering neon sign just makes you smile.

And isn't that the point of dining out? To have a good time and leave happy? That's why public interest in places like Hawksmoor has overshadowed interest in all those fawning Michelin-star chasers. Give us quality meat, chips, booze and conversation then let us get on with it. We're out to enjoy ourselves, and yes, that can still involve burgers... you snotty shitbag.

Follow @David8Blake on twitter.

All scored reviews are unannounced, impartial, paid for by Confidential and completely independent of any commerical relationship.

Filthy Cow, 10 Tib Lane, Manchester M2 4JB.

Good for: a quick lunch under £10.

Try to avoid: being a snarling, snorty, uppity shitbag.

Rating: 12.5/20

Food: 6/10 (burger 7, halloumi 7, onion rings 8, fries 4)

Service: 4/5

Ambience: 2.5/5