Week 51: in which United and City are told to grow up

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. It's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. He's several people all at once. Sometimes Sleuth even gets serious @mcrsleuth

Homelessness solved

Greater Manchester Mayor Andy Burnham and Manchester City Council have come up with an innovative new way to solve the city's homelessness and begging problem. “It’s simple really,“ said Burnham. “We are asking all city residents and visitors to join in and sort this as one team. If you spot a homeless person then all we ask is that as you walk past you close your eyes, put your fingers in your ears and say ‘la la la’ very loudly. This means you won’t see or hear the homeless person or beggar and therefore they won’t exist - as such. If we all do this then we could solve Manchester’s homelessness by the end of January. If seeing is believing then not seeing is not believing. What do you think Councillor?” 

“I’d just like to add that Manchester has the best Christmas markets in the world and the only ones that can be seen from outer space,” responded Councillor Pat Karney, who is an alien from Mars.

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Homelessness could be solved by January

Metrolink introduce new service

Metrolink is introducing a new service. A spokesperson told Sleuth, “We have received a number of complaints about how long it takes to get to Manchester Airport and Rochdale by tram. As we want to speed things up we are introducing a new service as from January. This will be called ‘walking’. People will be able to put one foot in front of the other in a repetitive manner until they have ‘walked’ to Manchester Airport or Rochdale. This method will not only increase the health and well-being of customers but also substantially cut their journey time.

Metrolink 8 49 East Didsbury Line
Metrolink's new 'Walking' service is expected to cut journey times and improve customer satisfaction

Council to introduce Uber test

Manchester City Council are to introduce a new test for Uber drivers to make sure they can get from Deansgate to Piccadilly Station without using their sat nav. A spokesperson for the council said: "It's a very simple test, the driver has to pick a customer up from the Hilton and make their way to the station without using their phone. Come on, it's practically one road. Still, out of 157 drivers no one has as yet managed to pass the test, although one bloke did manage to start the car, but ended up in Romiley. An Uber driver said: "Please rate me five stars."

Uber Manchester Stevenson Square
Without his sat nav, the driver couldn't find his seat

Michelin stars for the city

Tom Kerridge, Heston Blumethal and Rene Redzepi are joining forces to open a restaurant in Manchester. This will be called About Bloody Time and the ambition is to receive three Michelin stars in the first year. Sleuth asked Redzepi, the famous ‘best chef in the world’ from Noma restaurant in Copenhagen, for a comment. He said, “Min fisk er mine venner, men det går ikke godt på spilleshows.” Thanks Rene. A Michelin spokesperson said, “Manchester? Ha, ha, ha, ha, ha ha ha ha ha ha ha...”

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'Manchester is proper lush'

United and City told to 'grow up'

A former professional footballer has told Manchester United and Manchester City to grow up and play football. Barry Gibson, who used to play centre half for Bury in the 70s, said: "What's all this carry on in the papers about chucking milk? Back in my day, if you had a dust up in the dressing room you did it proper like... we'd unscrew our boot studs, sharpen the ends, glue 'em to our knuckles and have it out, like men. Afterwards we'd shake hands, stem the bleeding and go for a pint." Gibson suggested the softening of dressing room japes was due to 'bloody foreigners'. Sleuth asked Manchester United manager, Jose Mourinho, for a comment: "It's a question of diversity in behaviour, diversity in education". No one knew what he meant.

Barry Gibson
Barry Gibson: "A carton of milk? Piss off."

Bridgewater Hall to boost audiences

Sleuth has learnt of a new scheme to boost attendance at the Bridgewater Hall for classical concerts. Management have decided the largely geriatric audience can now bring along one dead relative each to prop in the seats next to them and make the auditorium appear busy. “Half the audience fall asleep anyway,” said a spokesperson buttering a scone with a baton, “so it won’t affect the atmosphere.”

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"It won’t affect the atmosphere.”

Mobike's final solution

Chinese bike sharing firm Mobike are to introduce a new initiative to ensure that their bikes don't become too dispersed around the city. Following the launch of their new parking zone last month, Mobike UK boss Steven Piper told Sleuth: "Despite the new zone people are still leaving our bikes all over the place, even after we threatened to fine them 20p, so we're introducing new measures to make sure our bikes don't stray too far: we've removing the wheels, the seat and the handlebars. Let's see those little Salford shits steal them now." One Mobike user told Sleuth: "I'll probably just buy a bike then."

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Mobike to remove wheels