Interviews with inanimate objects: This week, it's 5G masts

Confidential, in its bold and continuing bid to give voice to the inanimate objects of this world, has interviewed a 5G mast to get to the bottom of the totally insane conspiracy theory that idiots are spreading. The truth was even more disturbing than we could ever have thought.

Manchester Confidential: So you’re a 5G mast?

5G mast: Yes.

MC: What is your function?

5GM: To spread alien death rays, create mass hysteria and kill old people, ill people, emergency workers and all those yappy little dogs under 18 inches tall – they are really irritating aren’t they?

MC: Right. Anything else?

5GM: Oh and I can curdle milk, accelerate mould growth on cheese, make cobwebs appear in impossible places to reach and triple the accumulation of your navel-fluff. You know I might also, for a laugh, cause you to lose all your bottle openers and corkscrews so you sit, weeping, on the floor covered in the precious wine you so desperately wanted that you smashed off the neck of the bottle.

MC: Really. How do you do all this?

5GM: For the deaths I convert COVID-19 microbes into microwaves and beam them into people’s brains.

MC: But apparently that’s not the only way you can attack us, is it?

5GM: Oh no, I’ve got frequencies that can damage your immune system and make you vulnerable. Zap, bam, boom.

MC: But you know none of that’s possible? 

5GM: Not possible? Who do you think you are? One of those weird people who believe scientific experts just because they know what they are talking about? I’ve got David Icke on my side, so I have.

MC: You mean the man who thinks he's a ‘son of the Godhead’?

5GM: Yes, him. Well, you have to admit that his theory about the lizard illuminati working to undermine humanity and take over the world is plausible: just as you have to agree with him how nanotechnology is right now being placed inside future vaccines to control the minds of you, your children and your pets, so you do.

MC: Nope it’s all as mad as saying the Twin Towers in New York were destroyed by anything other than terrorists causing planes to fly into them. Conspiracy theories are exercises in giving gullible people who are also a bit weird a sense they have some power because they are one of the very few who are really in the know.

5GM: Blah, Blah. Not listening. I’m zapping a few tens of thousand people right now with my death-virus ray. Zap, zap, zap. That’s was a cracker, so it was.

MC: May I ask you a question? Why do you keep using Northern Irish phrases such as, so it was?

5GM: I’m not, I’m really not?

MC: You’re really just Eamonn Holmes dressed up as a 5G mast aren’t you?

5GM: Er...might be.

MC: But why Eamonn? You’re making yourself a laughing stock – for about the eighteenth time in your career?

5GM-EH: Laughing stock. I don’t think so when I have intellectual heavy-weights to back me up such as Amanda Holden. People need to know the truth. It’s no coincidence that my name is Holmes, like Sherlock. I’ve worked out what is really happening with the 5G mast conspiracy through my razor-sharp ‘inquiring mind.’ I’ll repeat what I said on TV. 'What I don’t accept is mainstream media immediately slapping the 5G theory down as not true when they don’t know it’s not true. That suits the state narrative.'

MC: But aren’t you part of that mainstream media? 

5GM-EH: No, I’m a presenter on ITV’s This Morning and as soon as the lockdown’s over we’ll be back to tiny viewing figures comprised mainly of old people stuck at home or in homes watching Holmes, get it? That's why people need to know the truth. These masts might destroy all our audience and thus my unique sense of my own importance. 

Other Interviews with Inanimate Objects are here, and here, and here, and here. You get the picture.