Week 43: in which Sleuth stages a Spiderman protest
Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. It's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. He's several people all at once. Sometimes Sleuth even gets serious @mcrsleuth
WANKY PRESS RELEASE COMP HOTS UP
Sleuth sees we have a new frontrunner for 'Wanky Press Release of the Year', following the exemplary example set by new Peter Street bar, Impossible, earlier this year with their ‘Impossibubble lickable Champagne bubble generator' drivel. And who else but Champagne makers to really take things to the next level. Take it away Perrier Jouet...
'In a world that is becoming increasingly virtual and with urban life tending to be uniform and grey, nature is seen as a powerful means to escape and dream, fulfilling a craving for beauty, softness and a little wildness.
'Garden of Wonder by Perrier-Jouët brings to life the idea of utilizing nature to reintroduce beauty into urban environments. Highlighting the concept of ‘rewilding’, the garden at the heart of The Refuge will feature flowers, plants, herbs, grasses, miniature trees and flowing water which are animated by a breeze that gently billows across them.
'This exquisite habitat will ignite the senses... with a focus on sustainable beauty, the campaign draws on inspiration from the natural world, highlighting both the fragility and extraordinary strength and beauty of the earth...'
Stop. Sorry. Can't go on. Sleuth ran that lot through his PR bollocks translator and came back with this:
'Sit around a big plant box at The Refuge and drink champagne.'
'LONDON WANKERS' NARROWLY AVOID HACIENOSTALGIA
Talking wanky, Sleuth spent a wonderful Thursday evening with two of Manchester's favourite 'London wankers'. Will Beckett and Huw Gott, founders of premium British steakhouse Hawksmoor, were in town to launch their new book, Restaurants & Recipes.
"Our main challenge opening in Manchester was how not to be seen as a pair of London wankers," said Beckett, addressing the room. "Our friends in London said 'they don't like London wankers up there', and our friends in Manchester said 'we don't like all that London wank up here'. So me and Huw spent a long time, and I mean a long time, figuring out how not to be seen simply as a pair of London wankers.
"We did our research, made a few trips up here, and Huw finally comes to me and says 'I've got it, I know how we can avoid being seen as London wankers, I've been reading about this place, this club, I think we should mention it on the menu... it was called the Hacienda'."
"Luckily, our Manchester staff soon shut that idea down and here we are, almost three years later, a pair of London wankers who narrowly avoided becoming even bigger London wankers."
REMEMBER FOLKS, BE WARY OF HACIENOSTALGIA
Watch out for this condition increasingly afflicting the city's middle-agers. Known as 'Hacienostalgia', symptoms include a lack of desire to move on with life and a tendency to think everything now is shit. There's only one known cure for 'Hacienostalgia': take loads of e's and get off your head freaky dancing outside 15 Whitworth Street West shouting 'Top Banana'.
OI POLLOI IN INVESTORS F**K OFF PLEDGE
As part of the marketing for Manchester's new Meadowside property scheme, the developer has brought together a number of smiley, young, creative and entrepreneurial locals on their website to sell the identity, culture and values of Manchester to potential investors. Oh and this angry-looking, 40-something man from Oi Polloi with a greying beard, hood and baseball cap. 'Welcome to Manchester, now f**k off.'
PROTEST IN MANCHESTER ART GALLERY
Sleuth decided he was fed up with lots of things: Brexit, Trump, North Korea, Metrolink's Get Me There Card, filth in Chinatown, Hacienostalgia, the fact he can't drive down Oxford Road, and particularly how much smaller Mars Bars are these days. So he donned his superhero outfit and went to squat in Manchester Art Gallery in protest. It was a rubbish protest. Problem was everybody just thought he was an artwork.
PROTEST ON DEANSGATE
Nobody was listening to Sleuth. So instead he gathered his massive inflatable alien tentacles from the attic and stuck them to the top of Kendals on Deansgate in protest. It was another rubbish protest. Problem was everybody thought it was a Halloween artwork.
WHERE LUPO SHOULD GO GO
The best Italian coffee house in the North has been forced to close on Chapel Street. Sleuth ain't happy, and has been racking his brain for somewhere for Nico from Lupo to go go. Where could he go? Easy. The nearly always empty reconstructed Roman gatehouse in Castlefield. Obvious. Italian. Roman. Buonissimo.
SLEUTH WAS HUNGRY, BUT NOT SATISFIED
Occasionally, when you’re starving hungry nothing quite satisfies as much as a large red refuse collecting lorry. But just as Sleuth was about to tuck in he noticed the red sign and turned away disappointed. Shit, back to oysters and foie gras.
SLEUTH'S FAVOURITE TOILET SIGN
Actually Sleuth went to Mei Dim instead, his favourite Chinatown dim sum restaurant. It was very busy, standing room only, except in the gentlemen’s toilets, where you weren’t allowed to stand.