GEORGE Osborne, the Chancellor of the Exchequer and MP for Tatton, today announced a major initiative to re-invigorate the ‘northern powerhouse’ scheme.
It’ll be our first time in the North. Thank God we’re getting paid to go
“We call it the Peter and Paul Programme,” he said, speaking exclusively to Confidential from an opium den in Knutsford.
“This is a process where we’ll be cutting back money in northern councils far more, proportionately, than in southern councils. That’s the Peter part of the deal.
"Then we back ideas such as High Speed 2 and 3 to bolster the economy of the North. That’s the Paul part of the deal and won’t happen for years.
“Thus we rob Peter to pay Paul. It’s simple really,” continued the Chancellor waving an abacus in the air and practicing his seven times table.
Meanwhile the Brighton-based consultants for Northern Powerhouse, Hummus, Hessian & Smug Ltd, have suggested a total ban on flat caps and whippets. They will visit Manchester in 2017.
"It’ll be our first time in the North. Thank God we’re getting paid to go,” said Matty Smug on his way to Tuscany for a well-deserved publicly funded break.
A Northern cat that lives in a plant pot and is studying sign language
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