News in brief from across the city
Coronation Street to rename itself CAMILLA Street
Coronation Street bosses have confirmed they will rename the famous fictional, factional, boulevard of broken dreams Camilla Street after the King’s consort. This is to mark the coronation of King Charles III in May with a special tribute to the monarch’s spouse.
A spokesperson said: “In a moment of real national importance we thought we should rebrand in honour of the very popular royal wife. On a wider point the current royals have become such a soap opera it's a perfect fit. We’re especially pleased that Harry and Meghan have signed up for a special series of programmes in the autumn which will be filmed behind closed doors to preserve their privacy.”
In a further change The Rover’s Return pub will be renamed The Duke of York and have a strictly no young people policy.
George Best’s Boot Found on Town Hall roof
During the on-going refurbishment of Manchester Town Hall George Best’s football boots, or rather one boot, has been found on the roof.
Legend has it that after the famous champagne flute session at nearby Oscars nightclub in the 1960s, Best, worse for wear, launched his right boot onto the roof of the Town Hall. The day after he played Leeds United with only one left boot and scored the winning goal in the 87th minute.
The boot has apparently been used by nesting pigeons ever since. A council spokesperson said: “The problem was cleaning the substantial amount of guano from the boot. Now the boot will go on permanent display in the new visitor centre in the Town Hall close to the security-controlled cabinet displaying Sir Howard Bernstein’s jewellery. The souvenir shop will also have Sir Howard Bernstein scarves for sale.”
Gary Neville and the tuna fish
After Gary Neville was spotted carrying a disabled lady to Fazenda restaurant on Mother’s Day, a spokesperson has now revealed how he loves carrying things.
It’s his hobby.
Earlier this week on Tuesday he was spotted carrying a large, bluefin tuna to Musu restaurant, on Wednesday he was spotted carrying Jamie Carragher in a top hat to Liverpool from MediaCity, on Thursday he was spotted carrying the city of Manchester to Blackpool for a well-earned long weekend.
A spokesperson said of the former Manchester United and England defender, “Gary just loves picking up and carrying things, he’s been publicly carrying the hugely overdue St Michael’s development for years.”
The new Manchester United chant is: ‘Gary Neville he hates Scousers and not carrying things’.
Which is stickier: a pint of bitter or a tot of rum?
Manchester's greatest ever magazine The Mill has written an in-depth 10,000 word article on whether bitter is stickier than rum. This is in case people need to use alcohol to adhere a spreadsheet of household expenses onto their kitchen wall during the cost of living crisis.
The extensively researched article on a subject of vital importance to Manchester reached the conclusion that the issue is of no consequence at all.
The Mill has sent an email to its database and anybody else who happens to be reading stating how it's these types of breaking stories that are bringing ‘Greater Manchester better journalism’.
Then The Mill sent another email stating how The Mill is the 'bee’s knees' and then another one about how it’s going to make ‘the city great again’ and that it's the best thing since 'sliced bread' and even better than an 'air fryer' and then more emails that went on and on and on and blah, blah, bluuurgh all about itself.
NEXT week in The Mill: A man says something should be done about something and it's disgraceful.
The week after in The Mill: The Mill is totally brilliant and all other North West media organs are rubbish and if you don't believe us it's not fair and we're going to sit down in the corner, screw up our eyes and cry REALLY LOUDLY until you all pay attention.