Are People Really Hanging Bags Of Dog Poo From Trees In Chorlton?

THERE's the NHS crisis, the EU crisis, the economic crisis, the homeless crisis and now the litter crisis.

The other day, I cycled along the Fallowfield Loopline and when I hit Debdale I passed more than 20 dirty nappies...

It's real folks. Humans are hanging bags of dog poo on trees at Chorlton Water Park because there aren't enough bins. Dog poo, hanging in trees, like Christmas decorations.

The solution? More bins? Harsher punishments? Education? I propose bringing back name-calling. I'm not talking severe nastiness like homophobia, racism, sizeism, Toryism, and sexism – just your average low-level indiscriminate insult that can be applied to anyone and everyone. Like 'Litterbug'. Can we start yelling Litterbug at people again, please? Across the road, at a distance, at people you know and strangers?

Here's the line: it's the only one you need:

'Pick it up. Litterbug."

Why go to the trouble of bagging it up if you're going to dump it?

When I was a kid in the 1980s the public humiliation of others via name-calling was de rigueur – and often served a purpose.

Now people get all sorts of non-useful abuse like 'Resting Bitch Face', but back when I were a nipper "Slow Coach" (i.e. hurry up) did the job as did "Get a life". Oh innocence. And we absolutely obliterated one another for dropping litter. It was the dirtiest thing you could do. Ever. If a friend dropped litter, you turned on them. Litterbug.

There's no such thing as the Dog Poo Fairy, Wombles aren't real, and yet there are bags of dog crap and empty cans of Stella all over the embankments on Princess Parkway.

The other day, I cycled along the Fallowfield Loopline and when I hit Debdale I passed more than 20 dirty nappies strewn across the path. Surely, it took more effort to fly-tip than to find a bin?

I'm telling you now: if we don't start dealing with our own shit, we'll all end up with dysentery or cholera (I have no scientific evidence whatsoever to back up this claim up).

On my way into Manchester this morning I counted four mattresses within four miles around the A6. Note to Manchester City Council, it's important to tell people how to dispose of large items of rubbish. Better still – make it really easy for them. Remember: not everyone has access to a car.

Look: here's another mattress, on a bed of rubbish, on an actual street in Ancoats

In Solihull at the FPA annual Environment Seminar in January (that's Foodservice Packaging Association for the non-geeks out there), Jeremy Paxman who is Patron of Clean Up Britain (CLUB) said that the UK is at a tipping point in attitudes to litter and that businesses need to collaborate to take action and tackle the problem.

Tipping point? Tipping point? (Funny man.) Parts of Greater Manchester have been turned into a bloody tip.

Paxman also said we need to engage young people in the litter debate. Again. Aren't kids learning about Keep Britain Tidy at school? I asked a deputy head at one of Manchester's inner-city primary schools: 'There's no drive on litter,' he tells me. 'It's not on the curriculum, as such. We talk about recycling and there are eco-campaigns. The kids don't have crisps or chocolate at breaktime, but fruit, so we don't have a problem with litter in the playground. Actually, I can't think of a school I know where there's been a campaign on litter in recent times – maybe we should start.'

Maybe it's all the adults missing the bins? 

Paxman said the general mess makes him depressed and ashamed and it’s time we all took action. He's right, walking through something akin to a giant bloody landfill site is depressing. And North Manchester fares far worse than flowery Didsbury in the south.

Beswick Street: Look, here's a bin – oh, someone's set fire to it.

Did you know that Britain spends £1bn a year on cleaning up litter – that's a quarter of a Donald Trump – when all we have to do is put our rubbish in the bin. Not next to a bin.

In 2014 Manchester City Council spent £500,000 on 600 new bins for the city centre. At £833.33 per bin, I'm surprised they haven't been pinched.

My advice. Put litter in a bin.

And tell other people to PUT THEIR BLOODY LITTER IN A BIN.

And if we can't Keep Britain Tidy, then can we at least Keep Manchester Tidy? All of Manchester, not just the posh bits...

Maria Roberts is the author of Single Mother on the Verge, her work for Confidential includes 8 Baffling Things About Manchester's Metrolink and The Seven Stages of Manchester's Traffic Despair

@Maria_Roberts

Sale Water Park

Ancoats