YES, yes, we know, Valentine's Day was created by Hallmark in order to sell more cards or cigarettes to children or plutonium to the North Koreans or something.
Still, love it or hate it, woe betide if you ignore it.
So here's a bunch of things going on in Manchester for Valentine's Day; there's oysters, champagne, bowling, bootlegs and bondage, so take your pick. It's that or The Voice on BBC 1. Exactly...
Top 10 Things To Do In MCR For Valentine's Day:
ALL STAR LANES | Great Northern Warehouse | Deansgate | Fri 13 - Sun 15 Feb | £33pp
If you've ever seen Jesus bowl in The Big Lebowski, you'll know that bowling is probably the sexiest sport in the world. And if Manchester's All Star Lanes is good enough for Lady Gaga, Rhianna, and all 47 members of McBusted, then it's good enough for you too, probably. Two courses, a cocktail and a game of bowling all-in for £33 (add a second game for only £6pp).
See here or call to book 0161 871 3600
All Star Lanes
NEIGHBOURHOOD | Spinningfields | Sat 14 Feb | £50pp
Sometimes all you need is combed hair, shiny shoes, clean teeth, a bang-up three course meal and slap-happy floozies dancing on tables. In which case, Neighbourhood is the ticket. Their Valentine's menu includes oysters, truffles, black cod and... a fried chicken dinner? Mon'Amie.
Call 0161 832 6334 or email reservations@neighbourhoodrestaurant.co.uk
Neighbourhood
MALMAISON | Piccadilly | Fri 13 - Sun 15 Feb | £79 - £213
Billed as the show-stopper, The Malmaison's Malentines full-works package includes a four-course menu, wine, cocktails, a hotel room for afters and a follow-up breakfast for £213. If you feel the full-works a touch full-on then the Mal also do a Saturday Matinee four course lunch menu plus champagne for only £40 a head.
See here for booking and more info
Malmaison
THE WHITWORTH | Oxford Road | Sat 14 - Sun 15 Feb | Free
Perhaps the best (certainly the cheapest) way to spend Valentine's weekend is over at the relaunch of The Whitworth art gallery following a £15m refurb and expansion. To celebrate the reopening, alongside ten new exhibitions and commissions, the Whitworth have put together a Valentine's weekend of art, music, talks, walks, performance, literature, family fun and a fire and light show.
Cornelia Parker at the Whitworth
TRUE ROMANCE FILM CLUB | Kosmonaut | Sat 14 Feb | £10
This Valentine's Kosmonaut will be hosting a True Romance film club with a special screening of the Tarantino classic down in the basement bar of the venue. Cocktails, pizza and sitting on your jacksie watching a film. 'Smell the violence in the air', Happy Valentine's.
£10 tickets available from the bar.
True Romance
VALENTINE'S DAY FUN FAIR | Heaton Park | Sat 14 Feb
Nothing says 'I love you' like crashing into each other head-to-head on in a dodgem. This Valentine's Day weekend Heaton Park is to host a love-themed fun fair with waltzers, the 'Mach 1 Bomber', dodgems and much more thrills. Admission to the Great Manchester Valentines Fun Fair is free and will open daily from 12 noon until 5pm next to the boating lake.
AFTERNOON TEA AT CLOUD 23 | Hilton | £38 per person
Cloud 23, the high-rise bar on the 23rd floor of Hilton Manchester Deansgate, has long been a date friendly venue for the city's couples. Cloud 23 are offering a Valentine's Day Afternoon Tea package including a chocolate fondue, marshmallows, strawberry jam, Dorset clotted cream and champagne to accompany the brilliant view.
The Hilton Manchester
50 SHADES OF GREY | Odeon
As date movies go, this one may be a touch risqué. Still, everyone from your neighbour to your granny read 2012's 50 Shades Of Grey trilogy. Now the worldwide bestseller is making its film debut on Valentine's Day. Watch as naïve student Anastasia Steele begins a torrid relationship with billionaire Christian Grey.
VALENTINE'S MENU | Per Tutti | Liverpool Road | Sat 14 to Sun 15 Feb | £35pp
Castlefield's modern European restaurant are offering perhaps the most reasonable Valentine's three courser you'll find anywhere for £35. Wash down a menu including crispy duck fillets, tiger prawns, filleted monkfish, roast lamb and panettone bread and butter puds with a bottle of plonk for under £20 and you've got still change from a ton.
SPEAKEASY BOOTLEG BAND: VALENTINE'S MASSACRE | Matt and Phreds | 9:30pm - 1am | £5
It's Valentine's Day 1929, Al Capone has just slaughtered his rivals and Wall Street is about to crash... so Matt and Phreds want its guests to party like there's no tomorrow in this Prohibition blow-out. There'll be gangsters, bootleg gin and unbridled hedonism as the Speakeasy Bootleg Band play a heady mix of jazz, jive and Harlem swing into the night. Bring your fedora or feather boa for this one.
Al Capone probably won't be there
