Sleuth week 8: Filthy pictures on the wall and dildonic nosh

Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city each week. It's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. Sometimes Sleuth even gets serious, but not often... @mcrsleuth

MEN to be edited from 145 miles away

It was announced recently that Rob Irvine, editor of the MEN, had suddenly resigned. Very curious. His replacement is the Newcastle Chronicle editor, Darren Thwaite. Thwaite, for the first month or so at least, will edit the Manchester Evening News from the banks of the River Tyne. A spokesperson said, “We’ve enjoyed editing the MEN from six miles away in Chadderton so we’re really looking forward to it being edited from 145 miles away. Our first restaurant review for Manchester will be House of Tides on Newcastle Quayside, a mere two hours away on the train. And come on Manchester, let’s hear it for the Magpies this weekend in their epic struggle to avoid relegation. Howay the ‘Toon!

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MEN newsdesk is the future

MEN to be edited from the Tatooine

Sleuth hears that, should the Newcastle editorship of the MEN prove a success, then Trinity Mirror group will move the editorial office to ‘a galaxy far far away’ and the planet of Tatooine. This is the planet where Luke Skywalker was raised along with a franchise that never knows when to stop. Sleuth talked to a spokesperson who looked like a frog (Careful - let’s not discriminate against amphibian-based aliens. Ed). Admiral Ackbar told Sleuth: “Oh come on, it makes perfect sense. With our trans-universal, cross-dimensional, fact/fiction pair of binoculars we can keep a close eye on Greater Manchester's regional mayor Andy Burnham and his homeless campaign, plus who’s been robbing who in Gorton. In any case the capital city on Tatooine is full of pirates so loads of crime to report. Our first food review will be the Mos Eisley Cantina, you know that bar in the original Star Wars. We're very excited to see whether it will achieve a first Michelin star for Tatooine. Howay the Tatooine!” The Manchester Evening News is 150 years old and has been homeless since 2010.  

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Spokesperson Admiral Ackbar explains a very rational move

Banned Cities Of Hope (not) project revealed

The Cities of Hope artworks in the Northern Quarter focus on social justice and have given Manchester some of the finest street murals in the country. Sleuth was walking down New Wakefield Street at the southern end of the city centre this week and thought to himself, ‘That looks like a very vivid artwork on the wall, has the Cities of Hope project crossed town?’ Then he looked again. Oh dear, he thought. Turns out workmen demolishing Sound Control club for a new tower block have revealed a wall from the old porno cinema that was located there during the original, little-known and badly drawn Cities of Sex project in the 1970s. Do not engorge, er...enlarge, this image if you are of a sensitive disposition. 

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Cities of Hope, or maybe not

Dildonic sharing stick

After shuffling past the naughty wall decoration discussed above, the smut continued as Sleuth went for a meal in his new favourite restaurant called One Plus. It’s on Charles Street, and is Chinese with conveyor belts and hotpot bowls upstairs and noodle dishes downstairs, including folk in the kitchen actually making, or ‘stretching’ as it’s called, their own noodles. Excellent food, excellent value, cracking place. “What’s this one called?” asked Sleuth about a tubular and slightly alarming-looking dish. “It’s prawns in a bamboo cane,” came the reply from the charming hosts. “I’d call it something else,” thought Sleuth, referring to its obvious dildonic appearance. Either way it tasted bloody good. Just like a dildonic dish should.

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Dildonic dinner

City centre pavements to be limited

“We’re sick of people walking everywhere in the city centre,” a council spokesperson told Sleuth. “Obviously we need more people driving around so we’ve introduced scaffolding directly on to pavements to prevent their use. At the same time we feel this policy will encourage more cyclists, perhaps as many as 20%, to cycle on the road. In future nothing but scaffolding will be allowed to use pavements, no, not even cyclists. We’re very pleased the current building boom has given us the opportunity to push pedestrians into oncoming Deliveroo vehicles.” 

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Don't walk

Gordo caption competition

No prizes but suggestions welcome. Sleuth has had fun with this picture of Confidential’s Gordo at Grafene restaurant, off King Street. To Sleuth it looks like, for the first time in his life, Gordo realises water can be as refreshing as wine and he's really going to gulp down the stuff.

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No prizes, but suggestions welcome below.