GORDO was on a mission to finish off a review, started about three months ago at the excellent Cellar Keys in Chorlton. The last time he went was with the prospective husband botherer, Lottie Moore. It was good, but the photos were shit. This Saturday Gordo swore to put things right, eat a solitary lunch and get the scores in properly.
This ethereal, exquisite and sublime place warmed a bad tempered, fat, balding, grumpy old bastard’s heart
He arrived in a rainstorm. They weren’t serving lunch, they were having a wine sale. Gordo came away cursing, albeit with a few bottles of wine; Andy Leathley, the owner, knows his stuff in that department. So off went the barrage balloon to Didsbury to stock up on some proper bacon at Axons the Butchers.
Deal done, walking back to the car, wet through and having decided to get an all-day breakfast, Gordo walked into the café a few doors down on Barlow Moor Road. It had changed hands and was now called Appleby’s Hearty English Refreshment.
He was a bit glum. It looked very beardy, if you know what Gordo means: waistcoats, brogues, bushy stuff going on. But something felt different and they looked to be serving a good-looking English, according to the menu at least. There were two on offer; full (£7.45) or double (£11.45). You know which Gordo ordered. Tea as well please. Gordo was busy sorting his cameras out and decided, bugger it, to review the café whilst he was there. He couldn’t get back to Cellar Keys until the middle of next week anyhow.
Appleby's, Barlow Moor RoadThe tea arrived and for the first time, Gordo looked around properly. The service was, well, cute. The counter was packed with goodies. Were those really trays of jam tarts? Were they really homemade? The tea service was impeccable. Teapot, leaf tea, milk, sugar, separate hot water.
One sniff of the tea, in a beautiful teacup, dissolved a tension that was threatening to ruin a weekend. This cuppa was subtle, yet intense; comfortable, reassuring with a faint apricot top note and cedar finish. It delivered an Enid Blyton adventure, where the Famous Five start in the kitchen of the jolly, rotund farmer's wife whose bosoms enveloped everyone with a blanket of warmth and safety.
The tea turned out to be Tregothnan Classic loose tea, £2.60 for a pot. Handing Fat Mary £60 for an opium pipe couldn’t have given a better result. An earnest young man serving explained the tea was, in fact, from the Tregothnan tea plantation in Cornwall. Yes, Cornwall, England. And that his father knew it well and indeed, this tea shop was a family business. Noah Appleby was the lad and he didn’t have a beard... or a waistcoat. But, by the Gods of Tea Shops, this was a lad with whom Gordo was beginning to place his faith.
Tea for oneThe toast arrives, granary and not buttered - that’s in a separate pot. Gordo loves the fact it isn’t shoved on the plate that arrives next in order to fill space and make it look bigger.
The breakfast is big: three rashers of bacon, three sausages and a couple of slices of black pudding (not Bury, so small, boo). First mistake, the two poached eggs are slightly overcooked. The tomatoes though are cooked through, fresh mushrooms cooked in butter with herbs and finally, a bucket load of baked beans.
This was a manly breakfast. Gordo would have preferred less beans, unsmoked bacon and my (very fresh) mushrooms more cooked. Still, that is down to personal preference, and the ingredients here are impeccable - an instant top ten Manchester breakfast in Gordo’s mind.
Appleby's double breakfastGordo, now finished and ogling the counter, spies a coffee cake. It looked very professional, unadorned with the usual one inch thick coating of buttered sugar which is tooth-achingly sweet whilst hiding many sins.
“Are the cakes bought in?” asks Gordo, who was having a slice regardless.
“No,” replies Noah, “my brother makes everything in the back."
“And the jam tarts?”
“Yes,” replies a very patient Noah, “my brother makes everything in the back.”
“Blimey,” says Gordo. “In that case, I’ll have a slice of coffee cake, a slice of the Victoria sponge, (£3.25 each), a raspberry jam tart, an apricot jam tart (£1.50 each) and two mince pies (around a quid).”
The two young ladies backing Noah up with utterly charming service looked up at each other. Gordo guessed they weren’t thinking what a nice, handsome, interesting looking older man Gordo was. Greedy and bastard were words likely flickering across their minds.
“Oh, and another pot of the Tregothnan tea please.”
Tarts and coffee cake - magicThe coffee cake was softly moist and fluffy, tasting of ground and roasted coffee beans from Ethiopia. The butter cream filling was just enough. It was wonderful. 24 hours later, it still lingers in the mind. The balance all the way through could only have been achieved by a truly artful baker with magic in his fingers - that cake is in line for Gordo’s ‘dish of the year’.
The Victoria sponge was again a work of great art, the filling melting and running down the side of the slice. Jam tarts delighted whilst the mince pies were eaten back at Gordo Towers that evening. Were they good? Put it this way, by the time you, dear reader, are reading this, the Fat Man will have placed his Christmas order of four-dozen with Noah. You lot can fight amongst yourselves for the rest.
This ethereal, exquisite and sublime place warmed a bad tempered, fat, balding, grumpy old bastard’s heart. To see a family venture come up with such class made the Fat One’s month.
Nipping to the loo at the end, Gordo could hear Noah’s brother at work in the kitchen. There were lots of whispers and giggles going on, as green and orange glows radiated from beneath the door. It suddenly dawned on Gordo how the Appleby’s were producing such magic... fairies... at the bottom of the kitchen.
It’s a Gordo Go.
Appleby's Hearty Refreshment, 21 Barlow Moor Road, Didsbury, Manchester M20 6TN
Rating: 17/20
Food: 9/10 (tea 10, breakfast 8, coffee cake 10, Victoria sponge 9, jam tarts 8, mince pies 10)
Service: 5/5
Ambience: 3/5
