Solution will involve cattle grids and a detention compound

Northern Quarter residents and businesses are celebrating after council chiefs agreed to part-fund crowd control measures in the neighbourhood.

Cattle grids are going to be installed at either end of Tib Street, Thomas Street, Oldham Street, Lever Street, Dale Street and Newton Street. 

At the same time cash will be made available for a detention compound on spare land on Oldham Street close to Koffee Pot, with room for 40 persons.

This should be the solution...Nobody can possibly cross a cattle grid in heels

“We’re overjoyed,” said the Northern Quarter’s resident group spokesperson. “This will help return the Northern Quarter to its real character: an exclusive place for independent design agencies and nice, design-led bars and cafes with apartments full of really, really, smart coffee-making machines.

“For too long we’ve had to put up with lots of stag and hen parties ‘discovering’ the area and ruining the genteel atmosphere with rowdiness, drunkenness, inflatable genitalia and generally being common.

High Heels Grates
Cattle grids are going to be installed across NQ

“This should be the solution,” the spokesperson continued. "Nobody can possibly cross a cattle grid in heels, especially since they can’t walk properly in them anyway. Meanwhile the compound will hold rounded up stag parties who will be ordered to clean up piss and vomit from the streets on Saturday and Sunday mornings in order to secure their release."

Confidential asked if cattle grids and detention compounds weren’t taking things a bit too far.

“Not at all,” said the spokesperson, “we can’t all live in Ancoats.”