BRUNTWOOD REVEAL CORNERHOUSE PLANS
"We've listened and we've responded," says Bruntwood spokesperson. "People and organisations such as Adam Prince, Oxford Road Corner and indeed Manchester Confidential, have spoken and written very articulately about the need to retain the older buildings around the Cornerhouse site and not destroy the context of the city centre through more anonymous, could-be-anywhere glass boxes."
Bruntwood has been appointed as the developer of the area around Oxford Road Station and there has been concern in the city that landmark buildings such as the Cornerhouse and The Salisbury pub will be swept away.
"So we're really going to go for it," the spokesperson affirmed adjusting his top hat, "and fully recreate the original Little Ireland from 1842 in that area. We'll be using the description by Friedrich Engels in his book The Condition of the Working Class in England, as the model, especially this passage; 'The cottages are old, dirty, and of the smallest sort, the streets uneven, fallen into ruts and in part without drains or pavements; masses of refuse, offal and sickening filth lie among standing pools in all directions; the atmosphere is poisoned by effluvia’. We really think this will bring a whole new dimension to city centre living."
Confidential understands this idea follows on from the decision by the Council to remove all building and planning regulations so developers in the city centre can build what they want when they want and where they want (click).
Bruntwood staff dressing up to show how Cornerhouse site might look
MANCHESTER CITY COUNCIL TO BAN ROADS
"We hate them," says Councillor Chapel-Brompton. "Roads are dangerous and bad for the environment and totally useless aside from transporting people from A to B in an efficient manner. We going to ban them all in the city and everybody will have to walk which will make our apalling health stats improve. This means we can also house lots of the city centre's homeless in the resulting redundant cars. We will be then inviting the homeless to drive to other cities and be homeless there." Cllr Chapel-Brompton is an official representative of the Cycling Clips Marketing Board and a non-executive director of Lycra Loins, the dating site for cyclists.
Chris Rea on the Road to Hell
NEW MUSEUM FOR MANCHESTER
Piccadilly Gardens is to be the first Urban Pigeon Sanctuary in the UK (or indeed anywhere). Manchester’s cash-strapped council is to spend nothing on its broken fountain but maintain it as a meeting platform for pigeons of all creeds and colours. Speaking exclusively to Confidential a one-legged spokesbird said, “This is clearly the best plan for the Gardens, utilising what is already in the city to create a national visitors attraction. Some people call us ‘flying rats’ but this is very unfair, we are far worse and this new attraction will prove it. I love a kebab, me.”
Pigeon museum for Piccadilly HOME FRONT
Staff at arts centre HOME are being encouraged to work from home as they already do so.
NEXT WEEK'S STORIES - seven days of so much excitement the city will surely explode
Is Central Library An Alien Spaceship?
Manchester To Have A Moratorium On Exclamation Marks!!!
Cheese: What Do Cows Really Think?
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