Council issues new set of rules for Manchester's busiest street
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Sleuth has learnt that the council are to issue a series of 'Codes of Conduct' for certain areas of the city, to ensure consistency of approach by the city’s residents, workers and visitors.
Manchester Confidential can exclusively reveal the first Code of Conduct, which is for Market Street.
1. Bins are there for one purpose and one purpose alone: to be ignored.
2. Chewing gum must be applied to the pavement whenever possible.
3. If you are a person of faith then you must shout about it. Explain how your religion is all about tolerance, understanding and peace and how all the others are populated by pagans, heretics and deceivers and should be wiped from the face of the earth.
4. Cobbles are there to be tripped over.
5. If you are eating takeaway food you must do it loudly and chew with your mouth open.
6. Making money by forcing your teenage child to sing mournful, soppy, R&B with lots of long and stretched out notes is permitted.
7. Taking a lollipop off the tall, white ‘living statue’ man and running away giggling without leaving any money is encouraged.
8. If you buy anything in Aldi you must be prepared to queue for three weeks.
9. Any person offering a free booklet which promises to bring you happiness must not look happy themselves.
10. If you are into beat boxing you must stand in the middle of the street, turn up your amp to maximum volume and make noises like an old tractor.
11. If you visit Ann Summers you must visit the basement and giggle at the dildos.
12. If you are a vegan you must let everyone know that you are a vegan by writing it in chalk on the pavement.
13. Do not approach anyone sat on a bench in the middle of the street - they will try to touch you.
14. Crossing the road outside Primark may result in death.
15. Do not expect any item bought from a trolley on wheels to work once you get home.
16. Overly chirpy charity fundraisers must be either ignored or told that you are "late for a thing". They must NOT be punched in the face.
17. Do not expect any CD bought from a Peruvian pan flute band to be a recording of that actual pan flute band (because it has almost certainly been downloaded from the internet).
18. Ascend the escalator to Arndale Food Court at your own risk.
By order: Manchester City Council, April 2018.