A COUPLE OF YEARS or so ago a reader said that she loved Confidential but thought there “were a lot of words in reviews” which was a problem because she wasn’t “really a fan of reading but liked pictures and celebrities."
As we like to appeal to a cross-section of Mancunians here’s a photomontage review in rhyme of Albert's Shed in Castlefield.
It's similar to the one we did during the last Manchester International Festival (MIF) of Red Hot World Buffet.
It was supposed to be a review of Barca to mark its rebirth, hence we invited Mick Hucknall, who used to be part-owner of Barca, but as the story below reveals, the review location had to cross the Rochdale Canal to Albert's Shed.
Mick took along three headliners at Manchester International Festival to guest review the place with him; Neneh Cherry, Zinedine Zidane and Kenneth Branagh. As stated above there are rhymes with each picture – an idea stolen from the old Rupert the Bear cartoons.
THE REVIEW
Neneh, Zidane and Kenneth Branagh too
Were taken by Mick Hucknall to Barca at noon.
"I used to own this place," said Hucknall to them all.
But the others looked sad because the menu was small.
The speakers came to life, but the music wasn't Simply Red
"That does it," said Mick, "Let's bugger off to Albert's Shed."
All sat down, Hucknall frowned, “Why aren't I ever invited to MIF?”
"You're past it, that's why," said Zidane, with a haughty Gallic sniff
Mick replied, “So are you, you broody footballing whinger.”
Zinedine said, “I might be that, but at least I’m not ginger.”
“Shut up you two”, said Kenneth Branagh,
Mick said “Don’t speak to us in that manner.”
Kenneth replied, “Mick your career is dead,”
“I’m pretty sure no one ever really liked Simply Red.”
Neneh Cherry piped up “I’m sick of you bickering menchilds.”
Zidane said “Now, now, calm down dear, let's not go wild.”
“For at least I'm beginning to find some luck,”
“This is rugged and robust, a delightful potted duck.”
Potted duck (£6.00)
“So how is the salmon?” Neneh asked Mick,
Mick still fuming said, “MIF have really missed a trick.
I’m sure their arty audience would love a good ballad.
- But the salmon is superb and I love the potato salad."
Poached Scottish salmon with horseradish potato salad (Lunch menu: 10.95 for 2 courses)
Zinedine Zidane meanwhile was getting all antsy,
Felt his head, said, "I think the waiter looks like Materazzi,
So while I really like this apple and date chutney,
Watch out for my special, a delicious head-buttney.”
“But French cuisine this certainly is not,
I’ve heard of a French joint called L’Entrecote.”
Branagh said, “If you go in there you’re really a nutter,
Just try asking for some bloody butter.”
(You may want to click here for the that reference,
But be careful if you're a fan you may take offence.)
Asparagus with poached egg and hollandaise (£5.50)
“But I do have to say this is good asparagus.
Just good English veg, cleanly cooked, none of the fuss.”
“Hurry up Ken”, said Neneh, adopting a Buffalo Stance in vain,
"We can't wait all day and I'm desperate for the main."
6oz steak frites (Lunch menu: £10.95 for 2 courses)
King prawn and noodle salad (£11.00)
Fish and chips (£14.50)
Lemon marinated chicken (Lunch menu: £10.95 for 2 courses)
So out they came upon Neneh’s wish,
Steak, chicken, prawn and a bit of fish,
Neneh piped up, over all the chatter,
“Did I really order my steak with some fishy matter?”
Albert's Shed Review
But with the food as a whole the chums had to agree,
There was lots to applaud and and it made them happy.
The chicken was a winner, the fish was fine with lovely batter,
The steak was ok nothing more, but the noodles were a cracker.
Zidane was getting merry, reached for yet more wine,
Mick said, "Zinedine calm down, your one over the nine."
Zidane replied, "Yes but my great thirst I must quench."
Mick said, "I'd heard you like a lunchtime drink you French."
Neneh said, "Ken, listen here you stud",
I've finished my steak, on to the pud,
I think I'll try Albert's famed sticky toffee,
For heaven's sake, he's falling over, get Zinedine a coffee."
By this point Zidane was really quite pissed,
"I think I'm so tanked, I may miss MIF,
But I really am quite delighted,
That unlike Mick, I've been invited."
"Oh sod off Zidane!" said Mick all flustered,
As down his suit fell a spoonful of custard.
Kenneth looked bored, close to death,
“Did I tell you that I’m the lead in Macbeth?
I'm the best around, on the top of my game,
Without me MIF wouldn't have the slightest fame."
Branagh and some pudding
Neneh loved the toffee and with the cheese, stated what she knew,
"I love it when the fromage is hard and tangily blue."
Mick patted his stomach and sighed charmed by what he'd been fed.
"This has been a very fine lunch on the terrace at Albert's Shed.
Fortunately I've been holding back the beers and avoiding the wine,
Unlike our French friend who doesn't look like he's feeling too fine."
But it was now time to leave, the chums had work to get through.
"Let's share the bill," said Branagh. "It's the right thing to do."
But Hucknall was running away, shouting, the miserly bad 'un,
"You must be joking. I'm not paying, money's too tight to mention."
Albert's Shed, 20 Castle St Manchester M3 4LZ. 0161 839 9818
Rating: 14/20
Food: 7/10 (asparagus 6.5, potted duck 7, salmon 7, chicken 7, fish and chips 7, steak 6.5, prawn and noodles 7.5, cheeseboard 7)
Service: 3/5
Ambience: 4/5
