LISTEN, as Syria crumbles, Boko Haram and ISIS run amok and an election looms this isn't a big issue, but here's some advice for waiters, waitresses and restaurant managers.
Leave us alone, would you?
We want to be looked after, to be talked to when necessary but please don't keep asking us how we feel and if everything is all right? Most customers aren't desperately in need of this level of motherly love and affection from a third party. We don't want a restaurant visit to resemble a trip to the shrink.
On every recent dining occasion I've been over-asked the 'everything all right' question. There are so many better ways for me to identify the good waiter from the bad than the interruptive question.
Critic Jay Rayner reviewed Manchester House in The Observer awhile back and adored the food - just as Confidential does. He wasn't keen on a couple of things, particularly the waiters and waitresses who wouldn't 'sod off and leave us alone'.
The problem of waiterly persistence is reaching epidemic proportions across the UK. Diners are being swept away in a tide of "Is everything all right?"
Thing is waiting staff, usually things are absolutely peachy. We'll tell you if they're not.
You can tell this by the fact people around the table are having a good time, laughing, chatting, joking and bringing sunshine into the restaurant.
You can tell because the diners have their heads bowed together in serious political debate or over business matters of extreme urgency; maybe they're planning a naughty assignation in the nearby Premier Inn.
So don't interrupt. The meaningless platitude of "is everything all right" might make them lose their thread, or miss the punchline of a joke.
So here are a few dos and the don'ts when, dear waiting staff, you feel the urge, mid-course, to chuck down a few questions.
1) Don't ask if "everything is all right" if people are talking in a lively fashion and seem more interested in the conversation than replying to a needless question.
2) Do ask if "everything is all right" if they are staring at the food with an anxious frown, a quizzical look or the utmost contempt.
3) Don't ask if "everything is all right" 21 seconds after the plate has been delivered and while the first forkful is only halfway to the mouth. It's hard to tell if "everything is all right" with the food prior to tasting it.
The restaurant manager/waiter who literally bends over backwards for his customers in French classic cartoon Belleville Rendezvous
4) Do ask if "everything is all right" 21 seconds after the plate has been delivered if one of the guests is frantically waving at you and has turned a funny colour. In fact don't ask them anything, get the first aider.
5) Don't ask if "everything is all right" if people have just placed a full fork of food in their mouth. The wait, while they masticate can be excruciating for both parties. It might lead to embarrassment and waiters shouldn't make guests blush.
6) Do ask if "everything is all right" if people have thrown down their napkins in disgust and are bellowing in rage.
7) Don't ask if "everything is all right" if you've seen a colleague just ask the diners if "everything is all right" thirty seconds before.
8) Do ensure you never ask if "everything is all right" more than once per course (probably once every two courses is best). And never ask more then three times during a meal. Instead maybe get a little chit-chat going with the customers as you deliver the dishes, perhaps about the previous courses, and then get the hell out of there.
9) Only ask "if everything is all right" when there appears to be a natural break in conversation - otherwise walk on by. The principle is this: Would I like being interrupted with my mouth full, or while I'm in the middle of a right good conversation, to answer a nothing question?
10) Do make sure you ignore the training protocols, the restaurant manager and anybody else who tells you to needlessly pester the guests because we bloody hate it.
The only problem with all this is a personal one.
I've fallen into the trap of airing a grievance in the manner of those god-awful Sunday supplement columnists with their non-problem middle-class irks.
But I'm the editor of Confidential, and it's my shout, and we do a lot about food and drink, and the issue has been annoying me for a while.
Finally one last bowel-blast of disdain over the endless enquiring after our satisfaction/ joy/ lust for the food.
On the various occasions I've said, "No, this is terrible." absolute panic has ensued.
In the end the restaurant manager has come running, ringing his or her hands, bending over backwards and sighing apologies like the waiter in the best French cartoon ever Belleville Rendezvous (see trailer below - waiter at 1 minute 14 seconds).
So why was I asked the question in the first bloody place.
I feel better now.
If you were to ask me, I'd say, "I'm feeling all right."
You can follow Jonathan Schofield on Twitter here @JonathSchofield or connect via Google+
