Sleuth is a weekly sideways glance at the city, it's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. This week we celebrate the old Roman festival of Saturnalia @mcrsleuth
MANCHESTER FINALLY GETS MICHELIN RESTAURANT
"We're going to open one ourselves," a Michelin Guide spokesperson has told Confidential. "We're sick and tired of Mancunians boring us to tears whinging over the lack of any Michelin starred restaurants in the city. So we'll be opening a 150 seater restaurant on the top floor of Shudehill Transport Interchange, great views you know."
Sleuth asked about the chef. "We're going for Andrew Nutter. We feel he has the right sort of modesty and shyness to deliver a great experience. The fact he's not one to go out and enjoy himself too much is a bonus." And can Michelin guarantee a star for their own restaurant? "Course we can, whatever happens we'll be awarding ourselves, one, maybe two stars," added the spokesperson.
Sleuth asked a renowned butcher of Chorlton for a comment, "As long as they ****ing serve my ****ing meat I'll be ****ing happy. If the French b*****ds don't I'll break their ****ing legs and tweet a picture of it. Fight anyone?"
"Great views you know..."
PICCADILLY GARDENS TO BE BUILT OVER
Sleuth hears Piccadilly is to be filled in during the course of 2016 as it's "totally shit and a city embarrassment" according to a city spokesperson. "Whatever we try turns out rubbish," said Councillor Pat Shouty, "so we're going to fill the space with a 50 storey tower block as that suits the direction the city is going. We’ve requested the tower to look exactly like a kebab rotisserie reflecting the quality of the local environment - developers always follow our instructions. We've reached this conclusion because everything else fails, even the fountains we try abandon us and give up. Meanwhile people keep walking on the grass and destroying it as revealed in our recent report into the state of the gardens called 'No Bloody Clue: A New Lack Of Direction For Piccadilly Gardens'.
Artist's impression
BOMB HOAXER RUES THE DAY
Greater Manchester Police have confirmed the drunken student who phoned in a bomb hoax and caused the mass evacuation of Manchester Christmas Markets last month has been handed a community service order. Phil Eejit, 19, will serve 100 hours of unpaid work pointing out-of-towners in the direction of the markets.
"I can't believe what I've done, I'm such an idiot," said Eejit. "I could have lobbed a traffic cone on the statue of Gladstone, been sick in the back of an Uber, pissed my pants... but instead I called in a bomb hoax. Now look at me... I stand here for twelve bastard hours a day, pointing yonners in the direction of the Christmas Markets when they're bloody everywhere, literally everywhere in the city centre, right in front of you, how can you miss them? Yet still they ask me 'where are the Christmas Markets'? RIGHT F**KING THERE, OPEN YOUR F**KING EYES."
Should you be from out-of-town and struggling to find one of Manchester city centre's ten markets, Eejit will be stationed outside Next on Exchange Square from 10am-1pm, outside Marks & Spencers from 1-4pm, outside Australasia from 4pm-7pm and outside the Midland Hotel from 7pm-10pm.
"What do you mean you can't see him? He's huge and red..."
DEANSGATE TRAFFIC RESTRICTIONS TO BE EXTENDED
Councillor Kate Carban has confirmed that despite the fact the present traffic restrictions on Deansgate are ‘dangerous’ this is no time to make them less dangerous and remove the Liverpool Road and Quay Street pavement extensions but to enhance them. “Some people, in order to get where they need to go and to feel secure at these junctions, are hiring Challenger Tanks to get to Kendals/House of Fraser car park to pick up their shopping," said Carban. "This will have to stop because if we have an idea and it fails we cannot admit it nor can we back-track and simply remove the pavement extensions.
"Therefore we will be installing tank traps at certain pinch points on Deansgate,” added Cllr Carban, the sole passenger on a double-decker in a queue of twenty double-deckers on a bus lane somewhere in Manchester.
"I'm not missing my Brazilian, not this time," said Tanya
NEVILLE TO RUN FOR MAYOR
Sleuth hears former Manchester United and England star Gary Neville, having recently accepted the Head Coach job at Spanish side Valencia, set-up a shelter for the homeless, pushed through a £200m city centre regeneration scheme, bought Salford City FC, joined Roy Hodgson's coaching staff, opened a hotel and become an admired TV football pundit, is now preparing to launch a bid to become the elected mayor for Greater Manchester in 2017, following the DevoManc agreement between the Chancellor and the Greater Manchester Combined Authority.
"I've taken a look at my schedule and reckon this is doable," said Neville. "In between the coaching, the philanthropy, the hoteliery, the property development and the other stuff, you know, 'er indoors, I reckon I can handle new powers over housing, skills and transport across Greater Manchester, as well as that £6bn NHS budget... sounds a doddle"
"What's that? Jose's been sacked? Excellent, he'll make a fine deputy."
"Where's my huge gold chain?"SQUATTERS MOVE IN TO LIBRARY WALK
Sleuth hears squatters have just moved into Library Walk. Following the adaption of a number of defunct council buildings into shelters for the homeless this winter, an activist from homeless activist group, the Manchester Angels, told Confidential: "We think it's great Manchester City Council are handing over redundant buildings to become shelters for the homeless," said activist Spud, "and once we heard only seven people had used this £3.5m structure since it opened in summer, we asked the council if we could camp down there. They said of course, this is exactly the sort of empty building that needs to be put to proper use."
The first tents are up at the Library Walk squatter's camp
