Sleuth is a sideways glance at the city every week. It's the truth, but Sleuth's truth. He's several people all at once. Sometimes Sleuth even gets serious @mcrsleuth
SLEUTH & THE FIERY CROTCH
Sleuth attended the launch of Garage last night, the new, er, garage-themed bar which has popped up in the former, um, garage of the old Freemasons Hall on Bridge Street. The building’s developer, Vision, have grand plans to repurpose the old Masonic edifice with a raft of stylish new eating and drinking spaces, sometime between now and 2074. For the time being however, bosses are attempting to distract punters from those naughty £4 schooners (2/3 pint) by employing a young lady to stand by the door and fire sparks from her crotch. Now Sleuth is no mechanic, or doctor for that matter, but Sleuth would certainly have an expert take a look at those pipes… that looks nasty.
SLEUTH & THE WAYWARD AXE
Speaking of hazards, Sleuth sees the latest craze to have taken at least one place in London by storm is on its way to Manchester: urban axe throwing. Yes for as little as £20 per person (note: axes at B&Q start from £5.35 - you don’t have to bring your own, Sleuth just thought you should know), this primitive, high-octane extravaganza kicks-off with a thorough safety briefing (Woo! Alriiight!) before guests take to a lane and begin winging hatchets at wooden targets… for an hour and a half.
Sounds likes hard work to Sleuth, and it does stagger him that at a time when you're no longer allowed to take a bottle of water into a stadium, when Heras fencing is being used to section off sod all (see below), and signs put up to remind us that big guns go bang, that a bunch of people are allowed into a room, given a heavy chopping tool with a razor-sharp edge and encouraged to lob it. It’s a funny, funny old world. Probably good fun though eh?
Whistle Punks Axe Throwing opens at Great Northern on February 1st... B&Q Manchester Fort opens from 7am to 8pm daily.
'...and remember, do not, under any circumstances, lodge it in your foot'
THE BENEFITS OF THE LONG-TERM MOUSTACHE
Matthew Frost predates moustache-mania. He was the early-adopter, with one or two others such as artist Michael Trainor, of a proper set of whiskers. Sleuth was at a Rothschilds wine dinner at the Yang Sing this week and Frost was there. “It works out occasionally the moustache. Asian chaps seem to really appreciate it. I got a taxi home the other day and when I got to my flat the driver said, “No, sir, I insist you do not pay, that moustache is heroic.” Ah moustaches, thinks Sleuth, cheaper than Uber.
Matthew and his heroic Moustache
THE DANGER OF CHRISTMAS PARTY INTOXICATION
Speaking of taxis. As Sleuth was going into the Yang Sing a taxi driver was leaning against his cab. “Do you know if there are any underground car parks around here?” he said. “I’m waiting for some customers. There they are coming back from looking down that alley for a car. One of the men came to Manchester last night for a Christmas do and parked his car and can’t remember where he put it. Thinks it might be in an underground car park but isn’t sure so he’s checking all the road parking too. I think he thinks it was underground because it was dark when he arrived.” The driver paused and said, “They’ve been looking for four hours now, and 45 minutes ago flagged me so I could drive them around all the car parks in the city centre. Beginning to feel sorry for them. Drink eh?”
GOING BEYOND LYING BACK AND THINKING OF ENGLAND
Sleuth was in Chetham’s Library. Michael Powell, the librarian, had pulled from the shelves a missal from the mid-1300s to show guests. It was beautifully illuminated and all in Latin. A missal is what the priest would read to an uncomprehending congregation at mass and is arranged in sections across the year. “There is one bit in English,” said Michael Powell. This turns out to be the marriage vows which people had to understand. The male side of things is identical to that today - almost. The female’s is similar except it doesn’t have ‘to honour and obey’, instead women vow to be ‘boner and buxom in bed’. This means to be sprightly and enthusiastic in the sack and thus help the man increase the flock for the Church. The expression became a bit too direct for more sensitive ages. Sleuth loved the slightly shocked expression of the guests around the table and then the shy giggles. Us Brits are amusing.
Michael Powell describes 'buxom'
BASTARD FENCES EVERYWHERE
Sleuth is in love with Heras fucking fencing, he loves that all the Heras fencing in all the world has come on holiday to Manchester this year so that he keeps having to bump into it and walk around it whenever there’s the slightest tiny hole in the pavement. Sleuth wants to have a fist fight with Mr Millionaire Heras whoever he is and another with the health and safety knobs who think the first human instinct we have is to jump into road works should we see them and break our legs. But this on the Quays took the biscuit. Heras fencing just hanging about protecting nothing. Sleuth is going back pushing it over this afternoon if it’s still there.
Pain in the Heras
SLEUTH, MORE FENCES & THE TIME CAPSULE OF OUR TIMES
More fencing now, this time from the usual wise old heads at Metrolink, who this week saved the good people of Manchester from throwing themselves into a twenty-foot-wide gaping chasm in St Peter’s Square by cleverly erecting perimeter fencing 400 metres away… then letting some kids come crouch beside it.
The gaping chasm into the infinite abyss had been opened to allow Metrolink to drop a time capsule, ‘preserving a snapshot of today for tomorrow’ with contributions from the likes of Central Library, The Whitworth, ITV and the Chadderton Evening Tripe.
Sleuth did suggest, to give future generations a real glimpse of Greater Manchester in 2016, we simply fill the box full of back-to-back toy cars, erect a permanent homeless camp on top, then wall it all in with a seventeen mile long Heras perimeter fence.
'Careful now folks... kids you come closer'
STOP, GO, CHOO-CHOO AND SMILE
Sleuth went to Liverpool to review a restaurant for Liverpool Confidential. He took the train-most-people-forget-about, the 33 minute express from Victoria to Lime Street. Sleuth chugged out of Victoria only to grind to a halt seconds later. A ‘unit’ ahead had broken down at Newton-le-Willows. Sleuth’s 33 minute train rumbled into Liverpool 40 minutes late and thus had become a 1 hour 13 minute train. Still, the guard was very cheerful and kept Sleuth and the passengers informed in a slightly manic manner. Sleuth appreciated this but thinks drawing a smiley face on the tickets the guard was checking might be taking things a little far.
'Enjoy the inevitable delay'
SLEUTH’S MOST EXCITING CHRISTMAS GIFT CATALOGUE
Sleuth was delighted to receive the ultimate Christmas catalogue this week. It was all about litter bins. There's a picture of it below. Now which one would most delight Sleuth's nearest and dearest?
Ooo look at that wooden number, George, that'd look lovely in the vestibule
SLEUTH’S MOST EXCITING CHRISTMAS GIFT WINDOW
Later in the week, Sleuth was navigating the various cheese cabins in St Ann’s Square when he noticed the former Austin Reed shop had swapped suits and spats for festive craps. It was a fairly Spartan affair inside, however, the canny shopkeeper had saved the best for the window, where there sat, in pride of place, a 5-piece Sherlock Holmes grooming set containing: Sherlock eau de cologne, Sherlock shave gel, Sherlock shave balm, Sherlock soap and best of all, a Sherlock wash cloth. And let’s be honest, who hasn’t wanted to lather up their goolies with a flannel featuring the face of everyone’s favourite toff thespian, Heritage Bandersnatch… or whatever he’s called. Hold on, are those Top Gear tampons?
Sherlock: The Wash Is On
SLEUTH & THE MOST SCOTTISH NAME EVER AWARD
Goes to this chap, found within the Strange & Familiar collection currently exhibiting at Manchester Art Gallery.
SLEUTH & THE MANNEQUIN CHALLENGE
Lastly, Sleuth has been hearing an awful lot recently about this 'Mannequin Challenge', so thought he'd jump on the global viral video bandwagon with this sterling effort on Northern Quarter's Thomas Street. Does Sleuth win? Is this how it works? Oh who gives a toss?
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