NOUN: 'push present'
DEFINITION: 'A gift that materialistic women have come to expect for willingly carrying a child for nine months.' All credit to Urban Dictionary.
Why would you need a $1 million choker to commemorate a modern-day miracle?
'Push gifts' span from diamond rings and charm bracelets to cars and iPads. Push a child out of your vagina, and you’ll be rewarded handsomely. What a time to be alive.
An expectant Kim Kardashian is shamelessly lusting after an extravagant Lorraine Schwartz diamond encrusted $1million choker as recompense for carrying soon to be born [obscure boy’s name] West. Being married to Kanye West does have its benefits: North West’s birth came at a cost of a modest collection of Cartier bracelets. Sweet Yeezus.
‘We women go through an entire pregnancy carrying a baby…of course it only makes sense that we get something to show how amazing we are! LOL’, explains Mrs Kardashian-West on her new app.
I have two objections, which I will address in reverse order:
- Never write ‘LOL’.
- The concept of ‘get[ting] something to show how amazing’ she is. Yes, Kim. You’re getting a son: the gift who will keep giving.
With a combined net worth of around $215 million, a necklace will hardly place a financial chokehold on the Wests. But what do ‘push presents’ say about society, and the value we place on a child? I’m in no position to comment on the burdens and blessings of pregnancy and childbirth (it genuinely makes me feel icky even thinking about it). But when Kim even talked about how difficult it was for her to get pregnant and how blessed she is to be with child, why would you need a $1 million choker to commemorate a modern-day miracle?
Looking for a push present, perhaps? Attributing monetary value with a baby becomes even more grotesque when you consider the plethora of complications than can come with a delivery. A healthy baby would be a sufficient reward for the ultimate endurance test that is labour (sorry, Tough Mudder). Birth and death are the two life transactions where consumerism has no place: not to sound like a Lion King theorist, but the circle of life doesn’t include a celebratory diamond ring in the delivery suite for birthing a baby. Simba was enough for Mufasa, for fuck’s sake.
But then again, men will never truly appreciate morning sickness, sore breasts, bearing more than the weight of a Solita food baby for nine months, and having to spread their legs for a room full of strangers. Well hopefully not, anyway. I’m reliably informed pregnancy is a pain in the ass. If you can pay a surrogate for nine months of womb-rent, what difference does it make to ask for a diamond: kid pro quo?
The damage lies in the expectation. A good deed requires recognition and reward. We’re egocentric, and constantly seeking praise and a ‘pat on the head’ for a job well-done. Is pregnancy one such good deed? After all, the child is a product of both their parents. Kim Kardashian’s audacity is just another example of a woman with too much worldly wealth, and too little worldly wisdom. A mutually supportive relationship throughout a pregnancy, a father who appreciates the selflessness and sacrifices of the mother of his child, culminating in one final push results in the perfect push present: a healthy baby. Unless the mothers are willing to dig deep for their sperm donors, push presents need to shove off, or stay stateside.
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