Confidential gives a voice to the van with the plan soon to be converted into Boris's love caravan

The government has been pursuing its repeated statement that Brexit will happen come what may on 31st October. To this end they have sent a van around the country visiting towns and cities to warn people to prepare. This is it in Manchester’s Albert Square. Confidential, in a bold, and continuing bid, to give a voice to the innocently inanimate, interviewed the vehicle and found it frank with a refreshing dry wit.

So how are you feeling?

Brexit van: I feel like I’m in a rush all the time you know?

What do you mean?

BV: Well, there are a lot of places to cover before 31st October and you get such a different reaction wherever you go. Sometimes I feel 48% want me to leave as soon as I get there and sometimes I feel 52% want me to stay.

The opposite way round to the 2016 referendum then?

BV: Yea, so here in Manchester they wanted to stay but wanted me to leave asap whereas in Stoke, the other day, they wanted to leave but wanted me to stay. It was a bit embarrassing there. 

How so?

BV: People kept stroking me and singing the national anthem.

What are you for though, what's your purpose? 

BV: I’m like that big red bus in the referendum going on about saving money for the NHS, only this time I’m designed to underline to remainers that we are really leaving Europe, deal or no deal, on 31st October. Oh and I'm also delivering a small leaflet.

But the Benn Act says we have to ask for an extension if no deal is likely. 

BV: Ha, ha, that’s what you think? Boris, or rather Dominic Cummings, has a plan. 

....Which is?

BV: Challenge it in court, or make sure there's a general election with the Conservatives campaigning on a no deal platform. 

2019 10 11 Brexit Van 3
A large vehicle delivers a small despressing leaflet

And what are these leaflets about? 

BV: They are to remind you that after 31st October things change. It says ‘Check your UK passport is valid for travel’. 

What’s the point of a passport if it’s not valid for travel? 

BV: Attractive mantelpiece feature? 

And what about this stuff about health care when in Europe and driving over there? 

BV: Brits will have to pay extra because the European Health Insurance Card won’t work for us anymore. Better stay here I’d say, especially if you're Drpoor. As for driving looks like I’ll have to stay here as well, because I’m going to need a lot more documentation and that might be costly.

Why does it says ‘check pet travel rules’.

BV: While German Shepherds, Pomeranians, Dachshunds, Irish Setters, Great Danes, St Bernard’s and Blue Picardy Spaniels will be able to travel into Europe freely, British Bulldogs, Yorkshire terriers, King Charles Spaniels, Welsh Border Collies and Parliamentary lapdogs won’t. We’re definitely going to be taking back dog control. 

2019 10 11 Brexit Van Sad British Bulldog Stranded On Dover Beach
Sad British Bulldog stuck on Dover Beach stares at the distant continent

What’s going to happen to you if we do come out on 31st October? 

BV: I’m getting converted. There’s loads of room in the back here. You know a little jacuzzi maybe, and a big bed. Boris wants it as a special negotiations vehicle to further valuable trading relations with business associates. Female business associates. He wants a lot of movement on free trade. 

Where are you off next? 

BV: It was supposed to be Northern Ireland, but last time I was there I was involved in a collision. 

Oh dear, what did you hit? 

BV: A hard border. 

2019 10 11 Brexit Van 2
The Brexit Van will be converted to a bedroom and bathroom with an Emperor bad and even a balcony, for Boris to conduct close negotiations

Since basically this is one large vehicle giving out one small leaflet. Don't you think the money might have been saved, spent on the NHS perhaps?   

BV: That’s the problem with you people, no positivity, no belief that we can go it alone, no conviction that just saying things will be all right will make them all right. That's what we think. We have no proof but it's going to be just dandy.

Whoah...calm down. 

BV: Oh and why are you calling me an inanimate object? I’ve got wheels and I move? 

Ah, I think we were actually referring to Members of Parliament who can’t seem to get anywhere. And, anyway, you’re not moving on that Halloween deadline?

BV: Ha, ha, no, the world's largest ever trick or treat, one conducted on a national scale.