Sleuth week 3: man in Blur t-shirt fears for life

City districts to be given new names

A new Portland Street/Gay Village Strategic Regeneration Framework has been met with howls of anger, leading to further meetings and the launch of this petition. Apparently one of the original proposals, now withdrawn, was to rename the Gay Village as 'Portland Street Village'. 

Sleuth agrees that was a silly and tactless idea. But maybe the notion has legs in other parts of the city. Spinningfields could be changed to 'GlassWindTunnel Town'; the Northern Quarter could become 'MainlyLotsOfBarsville'; Chinatown could be titled 'PavilionWithBeggarsZone'; Castlefield might be 'UnrealisedPotential Village'; NOMA would be 'JustThatNorthernBitOfTheCityCentreReally'; Corridor Manchester would become 'WTFShootAllBrandingManagers', while Piccadilly Gardens would be simply renamed 'Trashtown'. 

Spinningfields The Avenue 2
Spinningfields: 'GlassWindTunnel Town'
China Town Pavillion
Chinatown: 'PavilionWithBeggarsZone'

Spanish quash Catalan bid for independent restaurant

Manchester's Spanish restaurants have united to quash a bid to open a new Catalan-inspired restaurant on King Street.

San Franco Miguel, leader of the Manchester Spanish Restaurants Front and general manager at La Tasca Deansgate, told Sleuth: "This bid to open an independent Catalan restaurant in Manchester is completely illegal and will not be tolerated. Just because we live in a free democracy, it doesn't mean these separatist rebels can come here and swan around peacefully opening restaurants? What next... the vote?"

Miguel explained to Sleuth that the Catalan restaurant was not needed as there were already 57 city centre restaurants serving pretty much the same jamón, and that the MSRF's completely legal and reasonable response had been to forcibly remove tip boxes from the new restaurant, chuck whole legs of 100% Iberico Bellota through the windows, and crack the skulls of all staff members turning in for work.

"We acted with as little force as we could," said Miguel.

The Catalan restaurant's owner, Carlos PooDemon, told Sleuth he can manage the running of the restaurant from nearby Italian, San Carlo.

Catalan Restaurant Sleuth
San Franco Miguel said: ""This bid to open an independent Catalan restaurant in Manchester is completely illegal"

Ancoats PR team honoured 

The Ancoats PR team have scooped an 'Outstanding Achievement' award from the Pull-The-World Institute of Marketing following an impressive two year campaign to raise the profile of the city's once squalid industrial heartland.

PTWIM chair, Gus Deacon, told Sleuth: "The Ancoats team have somehow managed to convince not only Manchester, but international press including The Times and The New York Times that Ancoats is the UK's 'hottest and hippest neighbourhood', when actually there's very little to do except get a decent pizza and kick ducks up the arse by the marina."

Ancoats Cutting Room Square
Ancoats: the UK's 'hippest' neighbourhood (despite having very little to actually do)

Ben Beadle, spokesperson for property developer Live Manchester, said: "All we really want to do is knock up as many apartments blocks as possible and sell them to suckers at inflated costs. The easiest way to do this is to nick trendy bars and restaurants from other corners of the city, offer them shiny new premises for sod all, then convince everyone we're now the centre of the global food and drink scene. It's amazing what people will pay to live above a taco shop."

Edward Elgar, conductor of the nearby Halle orchestra, told Sleuth: "We moved here back in 2013 so that we could practice in peace. Now some property folk have convinced every nob-end with turn-ups and a woven tote bag that this is the place to be, when really there's very little to do except get a decent pizza and kick ducks up the arse."

Manchester finally gets tall buildings policy

Sleuth is delighted to announce that, as with so many cities in the UK and abroad, Manchester is to finally get a tall buildings policy. This will comprise planning guidelines on where buildings over ten stories can be built. The aim is ensure that tall structures do not damage important city sight-lines or dominate cultural and heritage assets. 

Sleuth has studied the new policy document. It reads: ‘In order to protect the distinctive urban environment of the two cities, Manchester and its neighbour Salford, a comprehensive review has been conducted and a tall buildings policy adopted. With immediate effect any developer will be allowed to build any tall building to any height anywhere they require. Er. That’s it.’ 

171102 5Plus Tower Shudehill Img 0410
The council says 'any developer will be allowed to build any tall building to any height anywhere'

Man in Blur t-shirt fears for life

A man spotted wearing a Blur t-shirt in Manchester city centre is fearing for his life after being chased from Market Street.

Tim Reid, a 19-year-old economics student from Kent, told Sleuth: "I've only been in Manchester a few months, nobody told me about this Blur-Oasis thing. Sorry Oasis-Blur thing. I'm only nineteen, I've never heard of them, I just found the t-shirt at the bottom of 50p vintage clothes box in Dalston. Britpop... what's that? It sounds like a crap cola."

Steve Harper, 47, who saw Oasis play seven times before they were even a band, was one of those who chased Reid off. "I'm not having that fucking southern middle-class poncey wanker bringing that soft pretentious public school twat-pop up here. Citeh, Citeh, Citeh!" 

Liam Gallagher later tweeted: 'Noel is a potato'.

161010 Market Street 2
The 19-year-old economics student from Kent has been chased from Manchester

Sleuth’s Email Of The Week

(This email does not need exaggeration or embellishment.)

‘Hi Sleuth, I wanted to reach out because I wrote about something I think your audience will be interested in... A lot of pet parents don't realize that various types of food can actually be fatal for dogs (yikes). Because I'm a dog lady, I compiled a helpful list to refer to! If you're into my post and find it timely, I would love for you to link to it and/or embed any of the graphics. Content & Media Relations Manager, SimpleWag’. 

Wow, thinks Sleuth, ‘Pet parents’, ‘dog lady’. It’s all genuine. The article that caught Sleuth’s attention in the email was ‘Can Dogs Eat Bananas?’ Sleuth’s answer would be yes, but they should be made to peel them themselves.

Dog Banana