Sleuth offers some friendly advice to avoid any unnecessary bother
Prime Minister Theresa May, the cabinet, Conservative MPs and around 12,000 delegates and exhibitors will meet in Manchester from Sunday 1 to Wednesday 4 October for the party's Annual Conference.
This is the fifth Conservative Party Annual Conference to be held in Manchester since 2009, and it is expected that the city - which has not one Conservative councillor - will continue the tradition of welcoming visiting Tories with open arms.
Manchester can, however, be a confusing and sometimes frightening place for Tories. So in order that they may enjoy their time here and, well, avoid any unnecessary bother, Sleuth has put together a handy list of don'ts for visiting Conservatives.
1. Don’t walk into the Manchester Town Hall Council Chamber and ask to meet the Tory councillors (there aren’t any).
2. If you’re an Etonian, don’t mistake Trafford Council Leader Sean Anstee as one of the younger pupils at your former school and ask him to polish your shoes or provide any other service.
3. Don’t ask where George Osborne is.
4. Don’t ask if Miles Platting was that chum who made ten million in the City before he was thirty.
5. Don't snigger while stressing your support for the 'Northern Powerhouse'.
6. Don’t wear a City strip at a United game as a protest against Corbyn.
7. Don't assume Salford is a part of Manchester, the BBC tried that and they really don't like it.
8. Don’t say, “I wish they’d build that HS2, that way we could get back to London quicker”.
9. Don’t ask Council Leader Sir Richard Leese if austerity has worked out for the city.
10. Don't trust Manchester's Mobikes, they're Chinese and thus sympathetic to Kim Jong-un.
11. Don't assume you'll find like-minded folk in any Conservative Club.
12. Don't let Jacob Rees-Mogg get pissed on Pinotage and stray onto Canal Street.
13. Don’t ask Morrissey to perform at the Gala Dinner.
14. Do not, under any circumstance, approach Bez.
15. Don't forget you can still use Uber in Manchester, but don't expect them to know where they're going.
16. Don't mention Crossrail 2 to any Manchester train commuter.
17. Don't attempt to understand Manchester's tram ticketing system - no it doesn't work like Oyster, no you can't use your bank card to tap in and don't even get us started on 'My Get Me There'.
18. Don't tell Councillor Pat Karney that London's Christmas Markets are better.
19. Don’t get a selfie with that funny statue next to HOME arts centre. It’s Friedrich Engels, the father of communism.
20. Don't mention the amount of homeless people on Manchester's streets because it is absolutely your fucking fault.
21. Lastly, don’t got to Chorlton. At all.
Follow Sleuth @mcrsleuth