SUMMER emerged from its secret underground lair last week and sent Britain into a crazed fashion frenzy.
It’s incredible what a couple of days of pleasant weather can do to a nation’s dress sense. Even the most sensible and unadventurously clad fellows were turning up to work as if they’d come straight off the promenade in Benidorm.
But what do you wear when the temperature becomes unbearable in those live-in jeans?
Stay away from these five fashion bloopers and you’ll already be halfway there...
Board Shorts: Like those dreadful brightly coloured floral things you see.
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Why? Because surfing just isn’t cool. It never has been. Seriously, board shorts aren’t even stylish on Miami Beach, so how slick do you think you look in those Rip Curl’s meandering down Market Street? You look like you’re in an American teen movie, and Stiffler is not cool either. |
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| What shall I wear instead?
Take the pair of jeans that are currently third or fourth in your pecking order and chop off the legs. Roll up them up two or three times and iron down the fold, adding a few stiches if they keep unraveling. You’ve just made a thoroughly acceptable pair of shorts. And remember, stay away from absolutely everything three-quarter length, like those awful things that dads who shop at Next wear on holiday. |
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Sporty Sunglasses: Like those wraparound Oakley things that cyclists wear.
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Why? Look, I know Lance Armstrong wears them when he’s doing his Ironman races and stuff, but you work in an office mate. And yes, I know the technology is state of the art, but unless you’re in Florida battling through the grueling third leg of a triathlon with the sun in your eyes, you’re going to look like a complete whopper in these. |
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What shall I wear instead? You don’t have to go out and buy a pair of Ray-Bans for £100 to look stylish in shades.ASOS has over 200 pairs of sunglasses for £30 of less, with imitations of all the top brands well-known designs. Going false is perfectly fine providing you don’t buy counterfeit. If you like wayfarers, buy a set of wayfarer style sunglasses. Just avoid pairs that have a brand name written on the side in silver nail varnish.
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Tank Tops: Like what Bruce Willis wears in Die Hard.
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Why? So you’ve spent the long, cold winter in the gym, and you’ve been rewarded with the arms of steel you’ve always wanted – you’ve every right to be proud of your hard work. But spare me the sight of your guns lads – you look like a cage fighter. (If you are a cage fighter, I take it all back, you look…erm….great). |
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| What shall I wear instead?
Just wear a t-shirt. It’s no more insulating than a vest, so you won’t be too warm, and if you’d really like to show a bit more cleavage, there’s plenty of low V-neck’s on the market to give your chest the breathing space you desire. |
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Gladiator Sandals: Like the sandals in that film, what’s it called? You know the one.
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Why? The anti socks and sandals campaign was without doubt a huge success. You’re not going to get a fashion faux pas article onto the first page of a Google search without numerous mentions of socks and sandals this, and socks and sandals that. Socks and sandals are just bad, take my word for it, do not wear socks and sandals. (That should do it).But the anti S&S society’s message seems to have been misinterpreted thanks to a small wording error in the marketing material. ‘No Socks Or Sandals’ would have been much clearer. If it’s it hot, don’t wear socks or sandals. In fact, regardless of the weather, just don't wear sandals. |
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| What shall I wear instead?
You can get away with almost all of your existing footwear in summer by simply removing the socks. Providing you don’t wear sandals, you’ll be absolutely fine. And for those thinking about escaping through the flip flop loophole, don’t even think about. Flip flops are a part of the sandal family, they’re the uncle that did the bad thing that nobody talks about, and you can’t paper over those cracks with a bit of alliteration. |
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You can follow David on Twitter @DavidPMcCourt
