GOTCHA!

Yes, this was our April Fool article this year. Thank god.

If you thought the likes of prison-themed bar Alcotraz were bad, wait til you hear about the latest booze-filled “experience” coming to Manchester.

Just when you thought novelty pop-ups couldn’t get any more strange, now even the boomers are getting in on the act. The White Picket Fence is an anti-woke “pub experience” set to launch in May at an as-yet unconfirmed site - our money’s on the currently boarded up The Deansgate pub.

Snacks will be solely the kind that hang on a piece of cardboard behind the bar and reveal a picture of a naked, busty blonde as they are removed.

The nostalgic pub pop-up, the brainchild of London entertainment experience company Dream It, Build It, will give punters the opportunity to “experience pubs as they were meant to be, back in the good old days.”

The ticketed pop-up experience will provide “manly beer”, “freedom of speech”, “proper scratchings” and a whole host of other sadly missed features of the golden age of pubs - it will even revoke the smoking ban with a special license that has been rushed through with the help of an unnamed local MP.

On the launch night, the ribbon will be cut by our very own, yes, you guessed it, Gordo.

Blimey!

Pub Snacks And Best Mild Expected At Anti Woke Manchester Pub — **The pub might look something like this but press images are yet to be revealed** Image: Confidentials

What's on the drinks and snacks menu?

In a special collaboration with Air Wick, visitors will be greeted by "real pub smells" as they walk through the door. This will be a carefully curated blend of stale beer, farts and body odour and aims to bring "a real nostalgia" to things.

Hipsters beware, there won't be craft beer or natty wine in sight as these are banned.

Beer will instead come courtesy of a host of local brewers who’ve each taken it upon themselves to brew the beers of their respective grandad’s glory years. The affectionately named Best Bitter, Best Mild and Best Stout will be on offer in pint glasses only with the imperial pint symbol front and centre.

Gin, vodka and whisky will also be available as will tonic and orange juice. But beware, the Fence’s staff (trained actors) will be on hand to call you a “puff” if you step out of line with your drinks order. “An IPA? You need to go see a doctor, mate,” and “Craft lager? No problem, let me just get my knitting needles, you fanny,” are just some of the hilarious responses unsuspecting visitors can expect.

Snacks will be solely the kind that hang on a piece of cardboard behind the bar and reveal a picture of a naked, busty blonde as they are removed.

Anti Woke Pub Will Have Tv Screens Showing Rising Damp — **Golden age TV shows will be on the big screens as well as sporting events** Image: Confidentials

A return to a golden era

Speaking to Confidentials, Dream It Build It founder Alan Mogg, referred to nationwide pub closures and a changing drinking culture as some of the factors contributing to the idea of The White Picket Fence.

“People just want the good old days and we’re brave enough to give it to them. They don’t want a pandemic, they want polio. They don’t want Europe, they want Rule Britannia. It’s as simple as that. Of course, 95% of the clientele is men but women are welcome, they just need to appreciate that they’re not going to be able to sit in certain parts of the pub.” He says.

“You’ve heard the stories. We all have. Proper boozers your grandad would sit in, where he could say what he wanted, where there’d be characters with no filter.

“That’s what blokes want. They want a safe space.

"Oh, and don't even think about asking for Angela."

The White Picket Fence experience is not limited to drink and old-fashioned banter. A gender-separated vault room will provide a “bird free zone” for male punters with a dartboard and posters on the pub’s walls advertising, among other things, a weekly female X-rated entertainer.

Big screens will show sporting events as well as well-loved classic TV shows like Rising Damp.

Decor For The White Picket Fence Could Look Like This — **Expect old school furnishings (like this) and freedom of speech** Image: Confidentials

The White Picket Fence experience, according to the press release, is one of nostalgia, anti-wokeness and proper pub fun. Combining the tough-talking entertainment of the working men’s clubs of yesteryear, the famed old man pubs we’ve sadly lost and a proper serving of old fashioned freedom of speech, The Picket will be a pub unrecognisable to many and a nostalgic dreamland for others.

Following on from successful pop-ups in London, Essex and Kent (a permanent site in South Thanet launched in 2019) The White Picket Fence will touch down in May with a three-month residency.

It’s believed the pop-up will be the first of multiple immersive events planned this year.

Tickets for the pop-up include a four-hour session in the pub, two pints to slowly nurse, a bag of either pork scratchings or peanuts and a ticket for the daily meat raffle.

Booking early is advised.

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