Monday 30 September
Weight – Don’t be nosey. Alcohol units- Are you my Doctor? And anyway brandy is good for shock isn’t it? Minutes spent mourning fictional character –more than acceptable. Books I definitely won’t be buying - 1
“Did you hear that Mark Darcy is dead?” my friend Mel had wailed down the phone to me. I’d just been perusing the Metro and it had mentioned on page 9 that if you didn’t want to know any details about the new Bridget Jones book, Mad About the Boy, to skip page 11 as they’d be revealing all there. I did, cause I didn’t, so it was news to me.
Seems Mel hadn’t been given that option, as despite the Mail Online warning that their article would contain spoiler alerts, they’d already announced it in their headline. A bit like saying that Bruce Willis is actually dead in Sixth Sense, but then asking people to watch for the twist at the end.
Asked another friend, Ginger, what she thought of it all while we had a quick cocktail, I mean coffee, later. “All this fuss about a fictional character is ridiculous. Women can be such knobs,” she said. “Mark wouldn’t have stuck with Bridget anyway, she’s such a fanny. Not that I actually have an opinion on her obviously, seeing as she isn’t real,” she added.
Admittedly there’s at least one ex I’d like to ctrl+alt+del from my life story, but I still felt shocked that Helen Fielding had killed off Bridget Jones’s main love interest. We’d barely got to know him. It was only the other week I was flicking through the TV channels and saw Mark and an enlarged version of Renée Zellwegger, I mean Bridget, get together. Yet now we hear he liked her so much he put a ring on it, wed her, bred with her and then has gone before we even got to know him, while she’s allegedly already getting it on with some young thing. It’s as if there has been another book in between the second one and this one, that was replaced by all of David Jason’s autobiography, never mind just 40 pages, and we never got to read it.
I feel bereaved. I’m definitely not going to buy the book.
Overwhelming Bridget
Sunday 13 October
Bought the book. Only cause I’d have to read it anyway before I watch the film. For some reason I felt embarrassed, like the first time I purchased Tampax. Told the girl serving me that I was buying it for a friend. “I’ve never read any of them,” she said. I wasn’t surprised. She wasn’t old enough to have experienced the first book coming out. In fact she’d probably just started buying sanitary products.
“It is popular though. We sold out on the first day” she added. Great, I’m a cliché. She asked if I want a bag. I said I did. Definitely.
Monday 14 October
By page 3 and the introduction of the first ‘gaah’, I already hated the book. Who even says ‘gaah’? Bridget that’s who. Repeatedly. Twice on page 3, then on pages 5, 7, 10, 18, 23 (twice), 35 and 42 (followed by a ‘fuck’ which was actually a welcome relief), 57, 61, 70, 83, 84, 98, 99, 104…
I gave up reading.
Tuesday 29 October
Finally finished the damn book, as unfortunately if I start something I feel I have to complete it even if there is pain involved (a trait that has always served me well when having my bikini line waxed mind you.)
In summary:
- Bridget has become rude and thinks nothing of texting her lover during important meetings. She’s gone down in my estimation. I’d probably de-friend her on Facebook except that she’s not on Facebook, and though I’m sure Bridget would have taken great delight in posting happy family photos when Mark was still alive, she never has been. I feel like I don’t know her anymore. I can relate to her about as much as I do to Adrian Mole. Or Anne Frank.
- She is on Twitter though, as @joneseyBJ. I thought it was weird that she’d opted for her maiden name, then got annoyed with myself for caring. Then even more annoyed with myself when I checked to see if it is a real account. It is.
- One moral of the tale is that the cad ends up becoming sad. Daniel Cleaver is now a perverted lech obsessed with ‘panties’.
- The book ends in December 2013 so it appears that Bridget can see into the future. Impressive.
- I am now adding ‘gaah’ to the list of words that I hate. Along with ‘panties’.
R.I.P. Mark, and R.I.P. the original Bridget who we liked very much, just as she was.
Follow Stacey on Twitter @staceberry
'Gaah' nah
