I RECENTLY asked a client to note down every time they betrayed themselves throughout the course of a day. When, for example, did they agree to do something they didn’t want to? When did they laugh along with a joke their boss cracked but they didn’t find funny? When did they make a promise they had no intention of keeping? When did they fail to voice what would most bring them pleasure during a sexual encounter at the risk of sounding ‘selfish’?
Unless you name and claim your own feelings of powerlessness, insecurity, and vulnerability, you’ll likely seek to control and manipulate others.
The exercise wasn’t meant as a form of psychological self-flagellation; rather, it was an opportunity to illuminate their underlying motives ― to begin to expose their ‘shadow’. This particular individual knows how easy it is for them to slip into a position of subservience as they doubt their self-worth. And, so, believing themselves disempowered they overcompensate in almost all their dealings and interactions, kowtowing to those they perceive more powerful than themselves and betraying their innermost truth in the process.
What's your self worth?I was able to spot this particular pattern as it’s one I’d identified in myself a few years ago, particularly in my personal, intimate relationships with men. If, for example, I perceived someone to be more powerful than me ― to have the ‘upper hand’ ― I’d sell myself cheap as I didn’t believe myself worthy of them. More money, more popular, more intelligent ― you name it. Constantly defending, constantly on the back foot, that was me.
For a long time, for example, I allowed my self-worth to be defined by my net worth. When I quit my securely paid nine-to-five job to become a writer and follow a more soul-oriented path, I didn’t have a pot to squat in. Being skint made me feel vulnerable ― very vulnerable. In fact, I’m not surprised most people don’t follow their dreams as they have a tendency to thrust you face down in your deepest fears and insecurities where you’re left to squirm indefinitely.
My subtle acts of self-betrayal were also caused by not wanting to rock the boat and potentially be disliked for voicing my personal truth. My ultimate fear was I’d be cast out ― a social pariah, abandoned and ignored. Alone. What if no-one likes the real me? What if I don’t like the real me? In fact, do I really know what I’m all about and if I did, would I even like the company I keep? Who am I when no one’s looking? Like following your dreams, warts and all self-reflection isn’t always a barrel of laughs.
Beware of the power trippersAnyway, I call this process ‘seed-sorting’ ― when you consciously examine your relationships and the part you play in them. How many relationships do you have, for example, that are long past their sell-by date but you stick with out of some guilt-oriented trip because you upset the other/s in some way, shape, or form, once upon a time? That because you still feel guilty, you continue to pay for your wrongdoing (perceived or actual) ad infinitum? This gets murkier and more difficult to disentangle if the issue was less about anything you did ‘wrong’ and more about the other party’s insecurities and/or unconscious shadow issues ― you just happened to be the scapegoat.
Another example might be someone who once did you a favour but feels you still owe them; the power trippers who seemingly offer something from the goodness of their heart but, because they feel insecure in themselves, unconsciously seek control over others. Manipulative, this lot. Subtle, too. If you don’t feel in control of your own life ― if you feel insecure and believe someone has ‘something over you’ ― unless you name and claim your own feelings of powerlessness, insecurity, and vulnerability, you’ll likely seek to control and manipulate others and ‘get your own back’ or ‘one-up’ on them.
Don't betray your innermost truthThing is, if we’re not careful we’ll continue to pay not just for the mistakes we did make, but for the ones we didn’t. If we’re not careful, our motives will stem from a position of powerlessness and insecurity, rather than authenticity and generosity. If we’re not careful, we’ll betray our innermost truth at the expense of people-pleasing and pandering to others.
Self-awareness is all.
Urban DevaFor more mind, body, and soul tips, follow Thea on Twitter @urbandeva
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You can read about Thea’s life in her book, Running into Myself, available from Amazon.
