Based on true events, L’Oréal Blackett politely asks you to stop it
On a good week, I’ll go to the gym at least five times. Yes, I’m one of those people. With such regularity, you begin to see the usual characters; gym bunnies, meatheads, potential Love Island candidates etc. It’s the norm. But then there are the wildcards that cause reason for genuine concern. So much so I’ve had to write this article.
I’ve listed a few ‘please don'ts’ in the gym, based on my actual experiences in gyms across the city centre.
Here are ten things not to do in the gym. Please...
1. Furiously slap yourself while naked.
I’m traumatised by the penetrating sounds of palm to naked flesh. Every day in front of the changing room mirrors an elderly lady self-flagellates whilst entirely naked. I know the changing rooms are a sacred place and I’m sure I’m breaking some women’s covenant even revealing this. But, I guess some of us are more liberated than the rest. I think, I hope… it’s some sort of ancient lymphatic drainage ritual. Otherwise, are you OK hun?
2. Lift Kettlebells with your face.
It was like a public bondage display. 50 Shades of Grey sponsored by Pure Gym. I spotted a man lifting an 18kg Kettlebell attached to, what I can only assume, was a leather gimp mask. He was most definitely in pain but also looked pleased with himself. After fifteen vigorous ‘neck reps’ or so, he takes off his mask and, unsurprisingly, he’s bleeding a lot. Still pleased with himself, mind.
3. Help strangers put on their bras
Unlike naked self-flagellating grandma, I’m a ‘face-the-wall, change my knickers under a towel’ sort-of-person. I was popping on my sports bra when I felt hands reach under my strap and 'help' me adjust. I didn't need any help. I turned round to find a kind lady smiling back at me. There was nothing else I could do but thank her and quickly throw on my shorts.
4. Give unsolicited advice
Ah. We all know this guy. He’s no qualified trainer or anything but he’s watched a lot of exercise videos on Youtube. He thinks Joe 'The Body Coach' Wicks is a weakling and any woman in the weights section is a teeny-tiny damsel, lost via way of the treadmills.
5. Give unsolicited advice then get mad when they don’t take said advice
‘Why are you mad? Do you even lift, bro?’
6. Compete with the treadmill next to you.
I’m running on a solid speed of 8.0. The runner next to me looks over and revs her treadmill up to an 8.5. I pump the treadmill up again, she does the same... Next thing you know we’re both running at an extremely high intensity, our legs whizzing like Speedy Gonzales. We eventually turn to dust.
7. Workout in bootleg jeans and a parka jacket
To the man in the goose-feather winter coat, they say ‘mans not hot’ but you are. You most definitely are.
8. Sex grunt
Would you like some time alone with the bench press?
9. Hog the machines at peak times. Especially if you’re only reading
I’m sorry but this isn’t Starbucks, Sandra.
10. Worry about what everyone else is doing.
Yikes. I’ll work on it.